2269 Words On The Golden Globes

I decided to watch the Golden Globes tonight, mainly because I’ll watch anything that prominently features Ricky Gervais. It’s 6:43 right now, and the culturally worthless red-carpet pre-show is on. I really hope this thing starts at Seven Central. If it doesn’t, I’m going to really regret not buying some beer today. Not that I’m an alcoholic or anything, it’s just that a cold one might really take the edge off all this “who are you wearing” crapola.

I think Colin Farrell’s there with his daughter. That better be his daughter. His daughter needs to cover up.

Natalie Morales is slumming, and Quentin Tarantino is dressed like a D&D cleric. If you need some undead turned, call him. He’s actually answering Natalie’s questions thoughtfully, and tells us there will eventually be a Kill Bill 3. Um, I’d hate to break this to ya, Q, but Bill’s dead. They should just talk to him some more…

…because up next we have a latin-american actress, and the not-slumming red-carpet interviewer I don”t recognize asks her something like, “You used to make Latin-American audiences laugh, and now you’re making Regular-American audiences laugh,” which isn’t a question. Also, it would have been way better if she had actually used the term “Regular-American.”

Weird thing just happened. Natalie had to ask a True Blood actor a question twice for some reason, the second time with a countdown. Which would be fine, if she hadn’t just asked the question with us watching. It’s bad enough she has to be out here in the rain – now she has to ask her questions twice due to production errors. Poor, rich Natalie.

Don’t tell anyone, but I think Julie Moran’s had some work done. She’s in the first stages of velociraptorization. So sad. I have a feeling my anti-plastic-surgery side will become a recurring theme this evening, especially since it seems like even young actresses are unable to resist the siren-like call of fake faces. The only problem with that is once you do it, you can never go back. Also, people will know. If you’re vain enough to get it done, you’re probably vain enough to care that they know. It’s a trap, in other words. Oh! Ricky’s on!

He starts out by taking shots at Steve Carrell, who menaces him. It’s a good bit. The audience of actors is like 2 feet away from Ricky, and he’s making fun of all of them by calling them the most important people in the world. Leo Dicraprio does not look amused. Everybody knows actors can’t take jokes about their acting. Ha! “Let’s get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno.” Double ha!

Nicole Kidman presents the Best Supporting Actress in a Movie award first. She’s had some work done, but she doesn’t look like it tonight. I mean, she looks better than she’s looked in a long time. She tells us to give our money to Haiti, and then the awards start. Mo’Nique apparently took time off being the Dean of VH1′s Rock of Love Charm School to due a movie, and apparently she was good. Beats dealing with Buckwild every day. She gives a heartfelt and tearjerking speech after her win, one that I thankfully missed due to questions re: the desk this laptop is on from one of the kids in the house. Good timing, kids.

Matthew Fox and somebody else give an award out next. LOST starts February 2 – did you know that? It’s the last season, and they’re bringing everybody back who’s not black or Shannon. It’s true. They’re going to answer everything, I just know it. As if to confirm this, Evangeline Lilly’s L’oreal commercial comes on. Everything’s coming up LOST tonight. I think Ben or Locke are up for awards or something, too. I got a good feeling about these Globes.

Ben is up against Doogie Howser, William Hurt, Jeremy Piven, and John Lithgow. Big competition there. Lithgow wins, I think for Third Rock From the Sun. Is that show still on? At least it wasn’t Piven, that’s all I’m saying. Lithgow is married to Mary Yeager, a professor of History at UCLA. He dedicates the award, the one Ben from LOST should have won, to her. She smiles. Aww.

Everyone says Up! is great. I should probably see it now that it just won a Globe. I should also probably see Coraline and The Fantastic Mr. Fox and those other movies it just beat as well.

Do we really need another Wolfman movie, after Team Jacob just happened? Really? Even with Benicio Del Toro, I would like it to not exist. I lieu of beer, I’m going to have some ice cream. And where’s Ricky Gervais? Did they fire him after he made fun of NBC?

The great thing about the Golden Globes is that there’s actually two of every movie award – one for dramas and one for comedies and musicals. So they have ten (10) best picture nominees to get through. Apparently, somebody made a musical after seeing 8 ½, and called it Nine. In this musical, Penelope Cruz says “I’ll be waiting here with my legs open.” I know this because they just showed it at the Golden Globes, in the so-called “family hour.” Perhaps I don’t understand what “legs open” means. At any rate, Nine looks like a movie I’d rather not see.

Ricky’s back, and promoting his blog and the DVD for The Invention of Lying. “One thing that can’t be bought is a Golden Globe…officially.” He’s gone and cracked himself up. I love him.

Dexter gets another award, this time for best actor. Yay for serial killer dramas, right? I kinda can’t believe he beat the Man Men guy. I’m just glad that sunglass-removing dude from CSI Miami didn’t win. Any year he doesn’t win is a win for America. David Caruso, that’s the dude.

That one girl from ER won for Best Actress in a Drama, for some show that’s produced by David Zucker. Zucker’s got an interesting body of work – Airplane, Ghost, and First Knight, to name best, middle, and worst. I’m sure it’s a great show that I wouldn’t like, whatever it is.

Harrison Ford introduces Up in the Air, another movie I need to see. I don’t mind that Mr. Ford is looking old. It’s about time, right? He’s doing fine, though – he’s got a Calista Flockhart at home, and he seems happy and serene.

Ricky Gervais takes a shot a Paul McCartney, then points to his Haiti pin in order to mitigate any potential boos. He’s on fire right now.

Amy Adams is so cute. Even when she’s introducing the nominees for Best TV Movie or Mini-Series, she’s cute. This award is dumb. Gray Gardens won, and its brain trust thanks way too many people that nobody knows, especially considering nobody saw it. Gray Gardens is about some Kennedy relatives in some old folks home somewhere. The first five plot keywords for Grey Gardens on IMDB are: eccentric, filmmaking, kittens, piano, head scarf. If that’s not a recipe for riveting television, I don’t know what is.

Ricky says he hates the stereotype that all Irishmen are hellraisers, then introduces Colin Farrel. Ha. Mr. Farrel introduces the Best Actress in a Comedy, and Meryl Streep is rightly nominated for two different roles. I know I have said that the “Julia” parts of Julie and Julia are good, but I have a hard time believing that was the best performance in a comedy by an actress this year. Maybe it was a bad year for funny or musical women. At least the chick from Nine didn’t win.

O. My. Gosh. Somebody hired Rod Blagojovich’s (sp?) hair to be on Celebrity Apprentice. Sell a senate seat, become a reality-show star. In some ways, America is not ideal.

They should have warned me they were going to do more awards for TV Movies. Do they really deserve their own awards? Think about it – they’re like TV shows that aren’t good enough to warrant a continuing story or movies that aren’t good enough to make it to theaters. It’s like giving the same award to the team that wins the Super Bowl and the best team to not make the playoffs. Just sayin’. Drew Barrymore wins for Gray Gardens. Must be the head scarves. She’s very happy to have won, though, and seems like a nice person. Good job, Drew.

Writer’s awards. Jason Reitmann thanks George Clooney for being the greatest man ever. Ooh, the TV Comedy actor award! I hope Steve Carrell wins. Unfortunately, Alec Baldwin wins for 30 Rock. He’s good, but again, let’s not kid ourselves: Just like The Office is twice the show 30 Rock is, Steve Carrell is twice as funny as Alec Bladwin is. Heck, Tracy Morgan is twice as funny as Alec Baldwin is, but you ain’t never seeing a brother gettin’ recognized by the Hollywood foreign press. They just don’t understand.

Maggie Gyllenhall promotes Haiti, and NBC Announcer informs us that the big awards are next. It’s a little early, isn’t it? How long are the Golden Globes supposed to be? I thought we were just half-done! Sadly, it’s all a lie, and this won’t end for another 1.5 hours at least.

I’m bored, and there is no beer or ice cream here. The foreign language films are being recognized, and I’m thirsty dangit. This is a bad time for me. Sophia Loren is aging gracefully, however.

Oh, great – the IMDB is broke, so I can’t look up any of these movies. Oh, wait, it’s back, and I was right – the foreign language film that won was directed by the guy who directed Cache’ in 2005. You remember Cache’, right? The film about latent guilt about Albanians that featured plot points heavily borrowed from Lost Highway? Yeah, I have nothing to say about that.

Mad Men won again. What does LOST have to do to win one of these Globes? They killed Jacob! Come on!

Oh God please no Taylor Lautner. Please no. I’ll be good. Weirdnose weirdnose weirdnose weirdnose weirdnose WEIRDNOSE! Whew. He’s gone. Lots of mediocre movies up for best comedy this year. The Hangover better win. I don’t know why I’m so threatening. I have no power here.

Ricky’s back (finally), and drinking. He’s running out of steam. I’d rather he keep making jokes about how actors are so much more important than writers, so that more actors could pretend that he’s not funny.

We interrupt this awards ceremony to worship Martin Scorsese, director of such films as Taxi Driver and Goodfellas. Certainly a deserving object of our Hollywood praise, even if it does stop down the show for 15 minutes. This is going to be a 3-hour show, isn’t it? I’m missing Human Target. And I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for reminding me what a terrible movie The Last Temptation of Christ is. Thanks for Willem Dafoe as Jesus, Martin. Anyway, he’s an amazing director, and he looks so cute in those glasses.

The Hurt Locker is featured. Yet another movie I should probably see. Ricky’s drinking Foster’s, which is Australian for beer. Then, the line of the night: “I like a drink as much as the next man, unless the next men is…Mel Gibson.” And out comes Mel, shaking his finger at Ricky. Noted Commie James Cameron wins the Best Director award for Avatar, even though it features a fake substance called “Unobtainium.” Yay, Communism! “Yet another film I need to see.” It seems pretty silly that I haven’t seen it, right? I mean, the rest of America has.

The Hollywood Foreign Press has messed up the comedy series award almost completely. They nominated The Office and a bunch of suckas, and then they picked Glee as the winner. Glee is a nice show, but please. It’s almost as much of a disgrace as giving it to Ally McBeal back in the day. This much we know: Foreigners don’t know what’s funny. First Jerry Lewis becomes a hero in France, and now Glee. Ok, so the British might know what’s funny, but nobody else. Ok, name your top five non-British European comedians – Go! I think I got stuck at (1) Senior Wences. I think I proved my point.

The Hangover people are introducing The Hangover! Weird. It better win. You hear me? It better!

It did! Wow! Mike Tyson is up there with his face tattoo! This is gratifying, really. It’s great to see an actual funny movie win best comedy. Screw musicals.

In other news, poor Mickey Rourke looks really confused. Is this thing almost over?

Two things: Aahhnold Schwarzenegger just ripped on NBC, and holy Mariah Carey’s dress. I don’t know what to say about it, but just holy.

Sandra Bullock and Robert Downey Jr. won awards, and gave speeches. Bert was pretty funny, actually. And I just realized that girl in the previews for Parenthood was Anne on Arrested Development. I’d been trying to place her for days. Truly, this was a successful night. Still wish I had a beer, though.

Jeff Bridges wins for Crazy Heart and hugs the lovely Kate Winslet a bit too long as he accepts his award. He’s looking like a cool old dude with a beard these days.

And Avatar won best picture. Whoops.

(sorry if not all titles are properly italicized. It’s a 3-hour show, and I’m not going back and checking more than once.)