I’m writing a bunch of books right now. The problem is, every time I get going on a book I like, I think of an even better idea for a book I haven’t written yet. Some of them turn into short stories, and some of them sit there like sheep waiting to be herded, staring at me and my pen as if I know where they should be going. So I’ve got a bunch of stray sheep glaring holes in me, and it’s a bit of a burden. But thinking about this burden keeps me sane and unbored, so I suppose I should be thankful for it.
I’ve decided to actually finish a book now, so we’ll see how that goes. It’s a bunch of short stories that pretend to be questions, but are really challenges to our current U.S. worldview. Yeah, like all my ideas, it’s hard to explain until you see it. I’ve shown a couple of these to some friends and got pretty much the reaction I wanted, so I’ll keep plugging along. Do you want to read one? Ok.
(some of you have already seen this and been offended by it, so forgive me all over again…and if you want it in Microsoft .doc format — here you go.)
There is a man who successfully wins a public office…let’s say he was just elected as Dog-Catcher. He has all these new and exciting ideas on how to best catch dogs, and he narrowly edged the incumbent DC using a platform based on these ideas. It’s not going to be easy to get his ideas implemented, though; the Netists are lurking around every corner, and this defeat has made them more vocal and partisan than ever before.
Perhaps a brief explanation and history of Wayward Dog Redemption (WDR) methods is in order, not that it really matters. There are people in this unnamed city who believe without reservation that the only appropriate and effective way to catch dogs is with a net. They self-identify as Netists, and for many of them, it is their life’s passion. Their symbol is a Net flanked by a wild boar on the left and a beaker on the right, which symbolizes their frontier spirit and unassailable reason, respectively. They’re a pretty tight-knit and well-connected bunch, keeping in touch and in spirit with radio shows, newsletters, and nightly meetings in the Old Town Hall’s chilly basement. What the election of this new dog-catcher means for them is the probable end of the dog-catching world. Their goals with the radio show, newsletter, and meetings are mainly (a) to research legal challenges to the election; and (b) to speculate and articulate re: the demise of dog-catching, and with it, society as a whole.
On the other side lie the progressive-minded techno-thinkers who couldn’t come up with a suitable name for themselves, so the world has adopted a monker for them: Non-netists. They believe that Netists are borderline fascist barbarians whose destiny is the same as all barbarians — namely, extinction. They communicate primarily in buzzwords designed to make themselves feel smart. It was they who started referring to dog-catching as WDR, and the Dog-Catcher as the WDS (Wayward Dog Saviour, always with the British “u.”). It’s not that they hate nets, it’s that there’s so many better (and more humane, and cooler-looking) ways to redeem wayward dogs these days. The newly-elected Dog-Catcher promised to deploy things such as drugged water bowls and dog hypnosis, which are the very cutting edge of WDR technology right now. The Non-netists have taken their victory as a literal and figurative blank check to pursue newer and better things, which has only increased the vitriol of those who believe in the redeeming power of Nets. This is pretty much where we stand right now.
You are a fly on the wall of one of the Netist chilly closed-door anger-festivals under Old Town Hall. Everyone is wearing coats and frowns. Even though you are a fly, you can understand English. If this seems weird, just say to yourself, “It’s just a question, I should really just relax.” The Netists are trying to determine the motives of the technology-rich but (to them) morality-poor Non-netists. The new Dog Catcher’s plan is pure insanity to them — 1.3 times as expensive, but almost certainly less effective than the Old Way of doing things. Plus, he’s planning on renaming the very sacred office he holds! At least that’s what someone heard someone else say once. They discuss his arrogance, his messiah complex (they might have a point — “dog saviour” anyone?), and his Orwellian future plans.
It’s your job, as a fly on the wall, to decide which of their ideas with regard to the motives of the Non-netists and their new Wayward Dog Saviour is correct. You have three choices:
A) They actually think the new technology is better, and want to catch dogs more effectively and humanely.
B) They hate the city.
C) They want the new DC’s methods to fail so that the city is overrun by wild, unkempt, ownerless, and potentially rabid dogs so that the citizenry will have no choice but to accept their sweeping diabolical “Plan B,” which involves state ownership of all dogs, mandatory feeding times, food rations, free veterinary care (for which it takes weeks to get an appointment), government-employed dog-walkers, compulsory spaying and neutering, and ultimately, the complete annihilation of dogs from the face of the earth1.
At the same time as this orgy of disillusionment is going on, the winners are having their First Annual Dog Saviour’s Ball in the Old Town Hall’s Grand Ballroom, which happens to be directly above the ceiling on which you are sticking. We could have you fly up there, being a fly and all, but I’d prefer to just give you directional super hearing, otherwise known as Super-Fly Hearing. With your fly ears, you can make out everything the people upstairs are saying. In between commenting on how nice everyone else looks, the Non-netist elite are trying to determine the motives of the old-school but (to them) anachronistic Netists. The old way of doing Dog Redemption seemed like pure insanity to them — more expensive in the long-term and unfair to the very dogs being redeemed. Plus, the whole concept of Dog Catching conjures up terribly barbaric images of uniformed men with nets chasing poor orphaned mutts, which is why they think the name must be changed to something less offensive.
It’s that time again, only this time you’re determining the motives of the cellar-dwelling Netists, as communicated by the well-dressed denizens of the Grand Ballroom. Why are the Netists so obsessed with nets?
A) They think nets are a time-tested and cost-effective way of dealing with stray dogs.
B) They hate anyone who isn’t exactly like them.
C) They want to return the city to the Old Age of Dog Ownership, where dogs’ well-being was solely the concern of their owners. What does this mean? Well, the government would be powerless to stop the rampant and inevitable dog abuse required by strict capitalism. The Dog Catcher would be merely a puppet, catching dogs with nasty nets and then funneling his prey to rich corporate interests. From there, the dogs would either end up in the “care” of some rich unworthy family (since they’re the only ones that could afford them), or find their way to the processing plant, where they would eventually become hamburgers, glue, artificial sweetener, or any of thousands of other products2.
1Before you answer, I feel compelled to point out in the spirit of fairness that this very plan was laid out in a book by a certain radical Ivy-League Professor of Dogology, one who has been seen speaking with the newly elected DC at least three times in the past 20 years.
2Before you answer, I feel compelled to point out in the spirit of fairness that this very thing happened in a slightly smaller city in the same state. Not only that, but the incumbent Dog Catcher whom the new WDS defeated was once a business partner of one of the executives of Dogron, the corporate interest at the center of the smaller city’s scandal. The unpleasant image of processed dogs, as well as his personal connection to the company involved, probably cost the incumbent the election.
