1) Even in the playoffs, teams are not very well-coached.

Here we are at the pinnacle of basketball civilization, where giants and comparative midgets get paid millions of dollars to put a ball through a metal ring in front of an audience of millions.  You would think that two of the best teams in the game would be able to plan and execute a strategy that made sense, but you would be wrong.  Plain and simple:  The Jazz lost game three because on the the three most important Laker shots of the last three minutes, they made huge defensive tactical errors.  On two of them, NBA supahstar and pond scum Kobe Bryant was single-covered and ended up with a wide-open shot over a shorter defender.  On the other, noted white boy and bad defender Kyle Korver was running out to stop the Lakers’ elderly three-point specialist Derek Fisher, but instinctively stopped short when he thought Fisher was going to dribble-drive instead of shoot.  Now you must understand, Fisher has made about 1000 huge late-game threes over the course of his career; he also hasn’t driven the lane since 2001.  It was a huge mistake that led to yet another buried three by the Lakers.  It’s like the Jazz didn’t even scout their opponents or something.  You might want to double-team Kobe (or at least put a bigger guy on him), and you might want to prevent Fisher from shooting money threes in the last two minutes of a game.  And Jazz coach Jerry Sloan is one of the most respected coaches in the game*.

2)  The power of evil can make the difference between a win and a loss.

Even after those three errorsf, the Jazz had a chance to win the game in the final seconds.  The Lakers inexplicably let the Jazz’ best player get free for an open look from about 20 feet.  OF COURSE it didn’t go in.  Why?  Because of the Lakers’ evil power, that’s why.  You might think I’m crazy, but check this out:  Not only did the shot fail to do in, but Jazz player and former Marquette star Wesley Matthews Jr. had a perfect opportunity to tip in the miss, but it careened harmlessly off Carlos Boozer’s ego as time expired.  He was in such great position because the entire Laker team fell asleep and failed to box him out.  Which leads us to…

3) The team that wins the game is not always the team that deserves to win.

I know nobody wants to hear this.  We want our sports clearly defined into winners and losers, but we are wrong.  The fact is, both the Jazz and the Lakers deserved to win and lose, and the game was decided by a muddled cocktail of successes and failures and blown calls and mental mistakes and strategy and etc.  If I’m going to cover the NBA like a storybook, it’s going to be an honest storybook, and that means the narrative can’t follow the pattern the NBA wants — starting with the draft and ending with the championship, with the winners being the heroes.  No, the winners are rarely the heroes.  The winners are those who have more points at the end of the game, that’s all.

But for nearly all some people, that’s the only thing that matters.  For the people involved in playing basketball, the “W” means everything.  The W can get you money and everything your heart desires.  As I try to wring some meaning out of this sweaty old sock of a league, I hope the trappings of the W don’t turn out to be the most important thing in the story.  Sadly, I know they will.  Oh, and by the way,

4) Carlos Boozer sucks.

Way to go to Duke, Carlos.  Way to sue Prince.  Way to be the original Cleveland betrayer.  And way to throw the ball off the bottom of the rim in the last minute of a must-win NBA playoff game, then yell that you were fouled when nobody touched you. A class act all the way, this guy is.

*He being the same dude who refused to double-team Jordan in the NBA Finals.  “I think Bryon Russell can stop him” is one of the stupidest thoughts ever uttered to oneself by an NBA coach, ever.

No, not these heroes

Reading the “Celebrity Encounters” thread on a prominent internet forum has me thinking today about my current heroes and what they would be like if I met them.  I don’t typically idolize people, even people I enjoy, because I have this strict thing where I actually believe that all people are equally valuable.  It’s not just something I say or whatever, I believe it and try to live it.  But some people have done things that have meant a lot to me, and it’s only natural that I would stalk them, er, try to learn all I can about them.  This is the information age, after all.  And after learning about them, it’s only natural that I imagine what they’re like in real life, and what it would be like to hang out with them.  This behavior isn’t unique to me — judging by the forum thread I was reading (and about half the comments I see on blogs), other people do the same thing.  A lot*.

When I listened to The Ticket (radio station) in Dallas, the hosts would talk about their lives all the time as a way to connect with the audience.  Because they did this, it created a situation where their audience knew a lot of details about their lives, dreams, and personalities (or at least the ones they were portraying on-air), but the hosts obviously didn’t know anything about the individual audience members they met at station promotions.  This created a lot of awkward feelings for the hosts when they met fans.  The encounters felt like one hand in a handshake with nothing — a completely one-sided relationship.   I completely understood why the on-air personalities might find these events to be a giant uncomfortable beating, and when I went, I didn’t try to talk to them or get crap signed by their tired shaking hands.

My problem with meeting celebrities isn’t just me looking out for their little feelings, though.  I’m also painfully shy.  I hate talking to people I don’t know, because I’m phobically messed-up (that being a code-phrase for “unconfident in my ability to know what to say to people, and therefore afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing, or worse, nothing.  Trying to help, my friend told me once, “The thing you need to realize is that nobody is thinking about you, so if the worst happens, they still won’t be thinking about you.”  I intellectually know this, and can tell myself this, but it doesn’t help.  This would be why I added the phobically to the messed-up.)  So I have the barrier of shyness, the barrier of phobia, and the barrier of the unbalanced celebrity-fan dynamic.  Even if I saw a hero of mine, it’s unlikely that I’d do anything about it.  Or is it?

(Considering that I had the opportunity to get something signed by Joel Hodgson after a Cinematic Titanic show in St. Louis, and didn’t, I’d say yes, it’s pretty darn unlikely.  But call me the cowardly lion because I dream that one day I’ll get a heart.  Or something like it.)

Here are the people that I’d have a hard time resisting expressing my undying affection and love toward, if I ever saw them:

Writers: Since the deaths of Douglas Adams and David Foster Wallace, the only leg of the three-legged stool left to meet is Stephen King.  Everybody says he’s really nice, but I would be tempted to explain to him why the movie version of “The Shining” is better than the book, and how I’ve always wanted to write a sequel where a grown-up Danny Torrance tries to stop a corporation from building a hotel on the Overlook site, but they do anyway (and get predictable results).  The ensuing movie would star Sela Ward or Angie Harmon in the “crazy parent” role.  Yeah, sometimes my ideas are bad.

In pop culture-ish stuff, I’d go out of my way to shake hands with Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, or Malcolm Gladwell.  For some reason, I don’t think they (or at least Klosterman) would like me.  Oh, wait, my phobia.  That’s why.  I’d explain to Gladwell why his chapter in “Outliers” about parents raising their kids to be successful was misguided, and he would counter that by saying that Outliers is, at its heart, a how-to book about achieving radical success.  It would be great.  I’d talk to Simmons about our mutual love for Wisconsin, and beat Klosterman down by telling him he’s the one writer who’s been able to put my feelings into words most consistently (besides DFW, of course).  This is why I think he won’t like me, I suppose.

Television:  I’d have a hard time resisting picking the brain of anybody who’s ever been associated with LOST, especially the creators/rulers of the show (Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse) and the actors who play Locke, Ben, Sayid, or Hurley.  I wouldn’t necessarily want to express my undying love to Jack or Sawyer, though — not sure why.  I’d love to talk to Kate or Charlie or Claire or even Mr. Eko.  Especially Mr. Eko.  There’s like 30 people from this show I’d like to meet.

I’d love to give Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant my glowing praise in person, even though Ricky’s an athiest and I’d want to talk him out of that.  I wouldn’t necessarily add any American Office people to the list, save John Krasinski, whom I’d berate with David Foster Wallace talk.  I’m sure there are other shows, but none that make me want to walk up to a celebrity and meet them.  For example, nobody involved with Alias, Freaks and Geeks, The Simpsons, or Arrested Development would make my list.  Well, maybe Martin Starr or Michael Cera.  But nobody else.  Ok, maybe Gob.

Movies:  Aside from TV crossovers like Cera and Gervais, you have director David Lynch, who would be fascinating to me for all sorts of reasons.  He’s into transcendental meditation, first of all.  Also, he’s the greatest director on the planet.  I would be totally intimidated by Quentin Tarantino for no discernible reason, but I would love to talk to him.  Ditto for Wes Anderson.  I think Jason Schwartzman would be really cool, and I would have a hard time resisting the opportunity to talk to Naomi Watts about Mulholland Drive.  Other than that, I don’t really get into movie stars too much.  At least not enough to overcome my crippling social anxiety.  There’s probably others that I’m missing here, actually.  But this is a blog post, not an encyclopedia, so I’m not going to fret about it.

Politics:  Nobody.  I don’t want to encourage them.

Music:  Sufjan Stevens, definitely.  My impression of him is that he’d be really cool to hang out with, but that may only be because he writes lyrics the way I want to write stories.  I’d love to meet Jason Martin from Starflyer 59, but would probably end up disappointed.  He’s probably nice, but quiet.  I’d like to know what Superstar Kid are doing now, but only like 5 people would get that joke, so I’ll probably edit it out later.  Cory Chisel slept on my couch once, but I don’t especially want to talk to him, except possibly to return the white tie he left behind.   The Danielson Familie would be fun to meet, and David Bazan would be fun to hang out with, I think (though possibly a little dark).  I’d like to personally ask Azure Ray why they broke up.  I would not like to meet, see, or interact with Saviour Machine in any way, however.

Sports: I don’t know.  Ray Allen would be great to meet and talk to, as would the chilled-out-seeming Andrew Bogut.  I can’t think of any other sports heroes right now, sorry.  I’ve decided to stop watching for a while, remember?

Others/Internet:  I love the work of the folks at Rocketboom, and would totally view them as approachable.  Amber MacArthur and her brother Jeff seem nice and Canadian.  The radio hosts on The Ticket would be great to meet in a venue other than Ticketstock, I think — especially Bob Sturm, with whom I could talk all things Packer football.

I’m done with this subject.

*Consider this 2007 Chuck Klosterman interview quote from NBA Man-of-the-hour Gilbert Arenas, on why he says all the weird stuff he does:

“Everybody wants to be the all-American boy,” he says. “But at the end of the day, America is not perfect. Normal blue-collar people understand this. That’s why everyone loved Larry Bird. Larry Bird could hit a game-winning shot and then get drunk with the locals. People want personality.” He adds: “My favorite player growing up was Penny Hardaway. Even though he was shy and didn’t talk very much, he had that ‘Li’l Penny’ character — those commercials he did with Chris Rock. That was funny. It’s the same now with those LeBron James commercials. You want to find out who these people actually are. You don’t want to hear them say, ‘I work hard,’ and all that stuff. Everybody has that story. I’d rather know what someone eats for dinner or what they order at Starbucks.”

After last night’s draining display of NFL failure by the Green Bay Packers (nice comeback, though, btw), I’ve decided that sports are stupid. This decision has been months in the making: Baseball has been dead to me for a long time now, and not even the Brewers making the playoffs last year could suck me back in to a sport that long ago abandoned me as a consumer. The NBA is in its January doldrums, and even if it wasn’t, their games are all rigged anyway. The spirit of NBA competition has died, slain by a system that rewards stars with calls so much that you can’t tell if the stars are actually stars or just good players who have been given artificial illumination. You can’t tell, therefore, if the narrative of the NBA is a lie. Hockey? Soccer? The World Cup is exciting, but not because of the actual play on the field. I’ll watch the Olympics, but probably not as much as I did in the past. Silly me, not being able to get past the fact that figure skating isn’t an actual sport.

Also, Tiger Woods may come back to golf, but golf will never be the same. Is it wrong for me to stiff-arm an entire sport because of society’s attitude toward its biggest star? I’m talking about the hero-worship. Why do we venerate success at all costs? What does this say about us? Hmm? And when our heroes show themselves to be the lowest of the low (off the field/court/course), why is the choice always to a) make excuses for them, or b) crucify them? Isn’t there a different way to view these things, one that views Tiger properly as the scum of the earth, but one that also realizes he’s just the product of a success-driven sports-crazed culture? If Tiger didn’t have a buhjillion dollars, there would be no Elin, no famous half-swedish Tiger-spawns, no Jamie Grubbs (unless you watched Tool Academy, that is), no 11-plus other mistresses, no debate on what constitutes a mistress, and no national race to be the first to say that when one has a buhjillion dollars, being a horrible person is not just understandable, but expected.

This is why they should cap the maximum amount athletes make. Of course, that’s a horrible idea. Also, it’s unconstitutional. But guess what? I don’t have to support these athletes and their sports. I don’t have to fuel their addictions with me money. In fact, I can anti-support them. I can sit all alone on here and criticize the behavior of athletes every day, and nobody can stop me. But they will try. They will call me a “hater.” They will say I’m “just jealous” of their money. They will call me a bitter, sad, old, washed-up never-was. And they might be right. However, the rightness or wrongness of their hateful chirping doesn’t change the validity of my criticisms, which I guarantee would be spot-on. Maybe I’ll start a satirical blog that says that all athletes are awesome all the time, and we should worship them and stop noticing their bad behavior. Only nobody would know its satirical, because it would just be expressing the prevailing wisdom around here these days. So you see why I have to give up and just not watch.

I’ll start watching again when the NCAA tournament comes around. I’ve, after all, got a pool to run. And those poor college basketball players probably don’t get all that much money, not even from the undoubtedly corrupt programs like Jim Calipari’s Kentucky. I might also watch women’s golf, because those girls don’t make crap. But any of the other sports can just suck it.

Best Boss, and Worst Human

Last night I watched TV, and I saw a curious thing: Henry Winkler, dressed in a leather jacket for which he was way to old, riding a surfboard over a water-dwelling predator as if it was a perfectly normal thing for a Henry Winkler to do.  It happened when I was watching The Office, and I hope you other American Office fans feel the same way about last night’s episode as I do, because if I have to watch another one like that, I may spontaneously combust in my chair.

(Looks like I’m alone out here, again.  Nathan Rabin of The Onion AV Club gave it an “A-” and calls it “kick-ass.”  Some commenters hated it, but some commenters always hate every episode.  I guess the best I can hope for is a divisive, “love-it-or-hate-it” attitude among Office fans when everything settles.  At least AV Club readers gave it a collective “B.”)

Allow me to present the opposite case as Rabin and his ilk.  Let’s start with the  “B” story, shall we?  This one could be titled, “Suddenly-smart Dwight is able to pull off a multi-layered plan to get Jim fired, and the only reason it doesn’t work is because Jim is friends with his boss.”  Let’s count off the problems with that, shall we?  1)  Suddenly-smart Dwight 2) Pulls off a multi-layered plan to 3) get Jim fired (which will never happen, obvs.) and 4) The only reason it doesn’t work is that 5) Jim’s friends with his boss.  Maybe I misunderstood the point of this show, but isn’t it about Jim being annoyed by his boss and Dwight?  I understand changing the dynamic to temporary comedic effect (and believe you me, the law of diminishing returns has caught up with “everybody in the office hates boss Jim”) , but that doesn’t explain why Dwight was able to pull off this plan without Jim, or anybody else, realizing it.  Since when is Dwight so much smarter than Andy?  Since when is Jim unable to figure out that he’s being set up?  This is how the show should have gone:

1)  Dwight commences his plan.  2) Pam finds Dwight’s master plan on the copier.  3) Hilarity commences, ends with Dwight getting into a fight with Andy over whose idea the Employee of the Month thing was.  4) Ryan still allies with Dwight at the end of the episode, but we know they are doomed to fail.

Do I have to come over there and write these episodes myself?  The problem with The Office this year is can be summed up in two words:  surveillance pen.  Once Dwight successfully tricked Jim with the fake bug in the duck, they committed to a bad direction.  It’s reminiscent of last year’s Michael Scott Paper Company story arc, with Jim’s new boss inexplicably choosing to trust Dwight over Jim.  But that worked out ok because the Office is about JIM BEING ANNOYED BY HIS BOSS AND DWIGHT.  It’s not about JIM BEING OUTSMARTED BY DWIGHT AND SAVED BY HIS BOSS.  Also, the payoff last year (with Charles Minor finally learning that Dwight is a total idiot) was tremendous.  What could the payoff to “Dwight bugs Jim’s office and plots with Ryan to get him fired” possibly be?  Either Dwight or Jim gets fired.  Those are the only things that would seem true at this point.  I’m pretty sure bugging the office of your boss would be fireable, if not an actual crime.  Heck, Dwight should have been fired after the duck.

Ok, that was bad, but what about the main story?  If I told you that Michael Scott promised to pay the college tuition of a bunch of kids 10 years ago, then had to tell them it wasn’t true as they graduated from high school, would that seem like a good story to you?  How patently evil do you like your Michael Scott?  Do you like him “hating Toby” evil, or “ruining Phyllis’ wedding” evil, or “breaking up with Pam’s mom on her birthday” evil?  I submit to you that (like Pam even tells him) ruining the lives of a bunch of kids is really, really terrible — Michael at his absolute worst.  It’s not that I can’t picture Michael Scott saying that to a bunch of kids, but it’s that I can’t imagine anybody believing him.  I also can’t imagine his bosses at Dunder Mifflin not making him recant.  Here’s the thing:  I went to college more than 10 years ago.  Even then, tuition was a lot of money.  So him offering that was stone-cold unbelievable.  I realize this is a TV show, and they exaggerate things sometimes, but making the promise that outlandish destroyed any real feelings the show might have evoked.    Couple that with the Dwight crap, and it felt very much like the Bizarro Office.

Michael offers each kid $1000 dollars, doesn’t want to deliver, ends up capitulating after some humiliation?  Good and in character.

Michael offers each kid free tuition, doesn’t want to deliver, ends up ruining a bunch of kids’ lives?  Bad and out of character.

Again, don’t make me come over there and write these episodes myself.  And this is not to say that I didn’t laugh during the episode — Stanley’s giggle fit over Michael’s predicament was funny, as was Pam’s cocky declaration that she doubled her sales (from 2 to 4).  Andy’s opening baby-talk segment was well-done.  Pretty much anything Creed says is funny.  But the stories?  Fonzie on a surfboard.

Dwight better get his comeuppance.  Big time.

I’m talking about one of the seven deadly sins, the one that causes you never leave the house because there’s a couch and chocolate cake and video games there.  Some of you may have been wondering what goes on during the famed “Weekend of Sloth” I participate in most years.  Well, I hope you have your proverbial cat repellent handy, because this feline is going to be let out of the proverbial bag and into your proverbial face.

This sort of thing is what Twitter was made for.  @epthnation is going to be updating you on the exact goings-on as it happens, in less than 140-word increments.  This is unprecedented, people.  Technology has now caught up with even the kind of extreme sloth you only see on Reality TV.  Are you wondering what I’m thinking as I play the battle cow and blow Brad up?  Well, now you’ll know.

I’m also toying with the idea of a live webcam, but I’m trying to gauge the potential interestingness of The Weekend of Sloth versus the fear of pulling the curtain too far back and revealing, well, something really boring to watch.  I’ll probably broadcast live over Ustream.tv, brought to you on this site.  I’ve had it with Stickam, the world’s worst collection of people.  I’d have removed that sidebar feed earlier, but I like having rotating pictures of my dog.  In any case, IF I’m broadcasting, it’ll be right here at epthnation.com.  You won’t have to go anywhere else.

1)  Shun Mexicans, moreso than you already do.  Stay away from Mexico.  This would be a good time for a sealed border, actually.  How’re we doing on that front?

2) Want to go out in public?  Stay home instead.

3)  Wash your hands a lot.  A LOT.

4)  If you feel flu-like symptoms, go to the doctor.

5)   As I mentioned before, stock up on those masks.

6)  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Above all, Obama has stated that there is no cause for alarm.  So, chill out and stay away from everybody for a couple weeks.  Or go to the pub and wait for this all to blow over.  Golden!

“I think it’s great we live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised. Thank you.”

So somehow this was interpreted as being against gay marriage.  And you know what?  I can see why you’d think that, since her statement wasn’t something that conformed exactly to the Gay Marriage Shibboleth Test, where you pledge absolute allegiance to a rainbow-colored flag and say something like,

“I was raised by horrible people who don’t believe in gay marriage, but I have since seen the light because TV told me so.  My parents are bastards who raised me wrong, but don’t blame them.  Blame Christians instead.  I hate Christians, even though I am one.  Civil unions are like another form of genocide.  Everyone must have equal rights all the time, or the terrorists win.  And by terrorists, I mean my parents.”

So you see, Perez Hilton’s question put her in an impossible position, especially for a Miss USA candidate.  She would have been better off playing dumb, since everyone thinks a girl like her is dumb anyway.  But by not not standing up for what she believed, she exposed herself to political forces outside her control.  The funny thing is, she made sure to explain (in her own Miss USA way) that while she doesn’t agree with gay marriage, that opinion is entirely her fault.  Furthermore, even though she disagrees with gay marriage, she thinks it’s great to live in a country that might have it.  Not only that, but she only thinks she disagrees with gay marriage.  It’s not exactly a strongly worded position.

…And she totally lost a beauty pageant because of it.  Who’s intolerant now?

ed. note — This is Epth Nation 2.6 takes no stand for or against gay marriage, nor do we believe that “If you choose not to take a stand you have actually taken a stand” B.S.

]]> http://epthnation.com/miss-usa-contestant-kinda-disagrees-with-gay-marriage-loses/feed/ 0 http://epthnation.com/anyone-want-to-go-to-an-ice-hotel-with-me-anyone/ http://epthnation.com/anyone-want-to-go-to-an-ice-hotel-with-me-anyone/#comments Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:37:27 +0000 epthnation http://epthnation.com/?p=1385 Continue reading →]]> I don’t know why, but this looks so cool.  When I say “Ice Hotel,” I actually mean a hotel made of ice.  And when I say cool, I actually mean cold.  Like 10-15 degrees at all times.  But also awesome.  Apparently you sleep in special waterproof sleepingbags or something.  Many of the rooms have fireplaces, and I don’t have any idea how that works.  But I still totally want to visit.

The bad thing?  It’s in Canada — the French part of Canada.