As an old and possibly decrepit person, I have lots of life experience to impart to anyone who’ll listen. Unfortunately, nobody listens to me. That’s why I have a blog – if you read it, you’re forced to pay attention to what I say. Sure, you can turn it off, but then you might miss my next brilliant and/or hilarious bon mot. So I have you right where I want you, and everybody benefits. At least I hope everybody benefits.
I’ll make it easy for you…I have accumulated a list of various “First Rules” that will get you through life relatively unscathed. If you like being scathed, I can’t really help you. This list is for smart people. If I help at least one person, then my blogging work is done for the day.
FIRST RULE OF:
Movies: If a movie has Billy Zane in it, it is bad.
Music: If a song has a vocoder in it, it is bad.
Taking charges: Protect the family jewels
Computer Repair: Always check the router in the closet.
Pizza Delivery: Look at the ticket carefully.
Cat Ownership: Don’t.
Guns: Compensate for kickback.
Television: If a show has David Caruso in it, it is bad.
Apartment Rental: Check online first…this is what the internet was made for.
Dating: The person you want to date is not the person you should be dating.
Life: We are drawn to the things which destroy us.
Winter: Don’t eat the yellow snow.
The NBA: Every game is ultimately decided by how the refs call it.
The NFL: Half of successful football is creating turnovers.
Your reality: You’re not creating it, but somebody wants you to think you are.
Fashion: Clothing is not a means of personal expression.
Sunglasses: They’re for outdoors, during the day, when it’s sunny, and when you aren’t talking to people.
Wealth: There are 1000 hereditary and environmental reasons why the rich are rich, and that doesn’t even count dumb luck. So be humble.
Needs: 99% of the time, your needs are actually wants.
Politics: The majority is almost always wrong
Wizards: Don’t forget to teleport your pants with you.
Karma: Is for people who don’t have the guts to believe in sin.
Hoo boy….where were you with that dating rule when I needed you?!?
Well, you probably wouldn’t have believed me until you found out for yourself. That’s how these things work.
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