Oh fortunate me… I get to watch the house burn live. Will Spencer and Heidi break up? Will Lauren and Brody be able to semi-successfully fake chemistry for 21 more TV minutes? Let’s find out!
Heidi and Spencer are finally fighting all the time, and Heidi tells an extra, “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a 5-year-old.” No, he’s a canned ham with teeth, remember? Consider executed the show’s plot plan for Heidi: Heidi forsakes Lauren during Season Two for Total Douche Spencer, which causes tremendous drama for everyone on the show; they then move in together and get engaged, providing lots of drama as they each try to live with their evil fiancé’; finally, they break up right as the summer starts, providing an end to the story arc and a potential opportunity for best friends Heidi and Lauren to make up during season four. I hate this show.
LC drives a Mercedes.
LC is hurt by Whitney’s invitation to Paris — “When am I going to have the chance to go again?” I don’t know, you’re the one driving the Mercedes. Why don’t you go RIGHT NOW. You’re Lauren from The Hills, don’t you know that? You grew up in a gigantic house in Laguna Beach, remember?
Can a canned ham looks pensive and sullen? Spencer sulks because Heidi’s story arc involves moving to Colorado and pretending to find herself while he pretends to miss her. Why am I still watching this?
Lauren is resigned to a summer in America with that tool Brody…or is she? Whitney gets to go to a BALL when she’s in Paris. Wheeee! Paris is a magical place!
During the commercial breaks they run live promos for the aftershow with Jessi and Dan, where all the important Hills characters will get grilled about their facial expressions on the show. Watching Jessi and Dan is a lot like sitting down with people you’d never hang out with and listening to them blather on about a bad TV show. It’s exactly like that, actually.
Lauren has an announcement right after the show! Wheeee!
In other bad MTV show news…Whoa — “Cowboy” and one of the girls from Read World Sydney had sex…
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Cowboy! No, really! And the condom broke, and now they’re talking about marriage. I don’t know what to say. It’s like I’m watching TV in an alternate universe where Cowboy is attractive and honor exists. Is Sydney located in the Old West?
Juno (the movie, not the internet provider my parents have) looks really funny. I wonder: Will there one day be a genre of film called Michael Cera movies, like there were Schwartzenegger movies or Kevin Costner movies? He always plays the same character, and it seems to be taking off. Also, he’s adorable.
Back to The Hills…So, if Heidi is at work and that other girl tells Spencer she’s gone for the day, can he not see her car in the parking lot? Did she walk to work? Are they even trying to be real anymore? And how come every time I see Spidey (Spencer-Heidi, get it? Yeah, kill me for knowing that) I start to hate the show?
Lisa Love (Lauren’s boss) is making total fun of Lauren, but she lets her go to Paris anyway, just like we knew she would…Paris has an “incredible sophistication,” according to Lisa Love. She explains that when she was 15, she ran away to Paris. It is, after all, the hub of fashion, romance, and every other thing little girls like. I wonder if it was then that she changed from Lisa Sensible to Lisa Love. I also wonder what her life would have been like had she ran off to Tucumcari instead.
Lauren and Brody are talking. Brody’s background is thus: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brody_Jenner “I have not had the best relationships in the past.” Brody’s pretending to “like like” Lauren, just like he pretended with Nicole Ritchie. The ghost of Kristin Cavalleri hangs over this whole scene, since Brody dated her for a year. Lauren after Kristin? That’s so Laguna Beach, Brody. It helps to keep repeating over and over, “none of this is real,” as if you were in a Freddie Krueger movie. On second thought, that never helped. I’m trapped, and I can’t wake up.
The aftershow audience is divided into “Team Lauren,” “Team Audrina,” etc. They should compete in teams in a trivia contest about anything besides fashion or boys and see if anyone gets a question right.
Flipping channels, I just saw another show use the Alias “passing over the tops of skyscrapers” transitional shot. First Chuck, now Unnamed Show I Flipped Past. Is that public domain already? Sheesh.
Back to The Hills, and Ham with Teeth (or Spencer, as his parents call him) catches Heidi packing to move out. She’s going home to Colorado. “So I assume the wedding isn’t going to happen anytime soon?” says Spencer. If the guy had a heart, it would be broken right now.
Brody’s trying to be Jason and keep Lauren from going to Paris. They sort of kiss near the lips. If Brody had a heart, it would be aching right now. These guys make Stephen and Dieter look like Bono and The Pope. Whither Laguna?
Lauren and Whitney get on the plane, and the Season ends. Aftershow!
Audrina really seriously looks like local Milwaukee talk show host Mark Belling. Do we know for sure who her father is? They do a montage of the greatest moments of Audrina and her infamous ex-boyfriend Justin Bobby*. Everybody laughs. I wonder how Audrina feels about JB being such a punchline. Serves her right for dating a guy named Justin who wanted to be called Bobby.
They run a Oscar-like montage of bit characters on The Hills moving in slow motion. When evil Jason appears, people clap. W, I say, W T F? Are they clapping like people in movie theaters applauded Darth Vader, as if he’s a great villain or something? Did they forget who he was, and what he still is? Were they just remembering fondly the drama he caused?
Meanwhile, Lauren announces that Season Three is actually not over — they’re going to be showing summer episodes with Lauren and Whitney in Paris! Oui Oui! They get to have another overblown season finale! Why doesn’t every show do this? So wait…if this isn’t the season finale, what was it? Just another episode? I missed Doyle Davidson for this? Aargh.
I hate this show.
*Name copyright one of the only two worthwhile people on the show, Lo. The other one’s Whitney, btw.
