Heroes

No, not these heroes

Reading the “Celebrity Encounters” thread on a prominent internet forum has me thinking today about my current heroes and what they would be like if I met them.  I don’t typically idolize people, even people I enjoy, because I have this strict thing where I actually believe that all people are equally valuable.  It’s not just something I say or whatever, I believe it and try to live it.  But some people have done things that have meant a lot to me, and it’s only natural that I would stalk them, er, try to learn all I can about them.  This is the information age, after all.  And after learning about them, it’s only natural that I imagine what they’re like in real life, and what it would be like to hang out with them.  This behavior isn’t unique to me — judging by the forum thread I was reading (and about half the comments I see on blogs), other people do the same thing.  A lot*.

When I listened to The Ticket (radio station) in Dallas, the hosts would talk about their lives all the time as a way to connect with the audience.  Because they did this, it created a situation where their audience knew a lot of details about their lives, dreams, and personalities (or at least the ones they were portraying on-air), but the hosts obviously didn’t know anything about the individual audience members they met at station promotions.  This created a lot of awkward feelings for the hosts when they met fans.  The encounters felt like one hand in a handshake with nothing — a completely one-sided relationship.   I completely understood why the on-air personalities might find these events to be a giant uncomfortable beating, and when I went, I didn’t try to talk to them or get crap signed by their tired shaking hands.

My problem with meeting celebrities isn’t just me looking out for their little feelings, though.  I’m also painfully shy.  I hate talking to people I don’t know, because I’m phobically messed-up (that being a code-phrase for “unconfident in my ability to know what to say to people, and therefore afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing, or worse, nothing.  Trying to help, my friend told me once, “The thing you need to realize is that nobody is thinking about you, so if the worst happens, they still won’t be thinking about you.”  I intellectually know this, and can tell myself this, but it doesn’t help.  This would be why I added the phobically to the messed-up.)  So I have the barrier of shyness, the barrier of phobia, and the barrier of the unbalanced celebrity-fan dynamic.  Even if I saw a hero of mine, it’s unlikely that I’d do anything about it.  Or is it?

(Considering that I had the opportunity to get something signed by Joel Hodgson after a Cinematic Titanic show in St. Louis, and didn’t, I’d say yes, it’s pretty darn unlikely.  But call me the cowardly lion because I dream that one day I’ll get a heart.  Or something like it.)

Here are the people that I’d have a hard time resisting expressing my undying affection and love toward, if I ever saw them:

Writers: Since the deaths of Douglas Adams and David Foster Wallace, the only leg of the three-legged stool left to meet is Stephen King.  Everybody says he’s really nice, but I would be tempted to explain to him why the movie version of “The Shining” is better than the book, and how I’ve always wanted to write a sequel where a grown-up Danny Torrance tries to stop a corporation from building a hotel on the Overlook site, but they do anyway (and get predictable results).  The ensuing movie would star Sela Ward or Angie Harmon in the “crazy parent” role.  Yeah, sometimes my ideas are bad.

In pop culture-ish stuff, I’d go out of my way to shake hands with Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, or Malcolm Gladwell.  For some reason, I don’t think they (or at least Klosterman) would like me.  Oh, wait, my phobia.  That’s why.  I’d explain to Gladwell why his chapter in “Outliers” about parents raising their kids to be successful was misguided, and he would counter that by saying that Outliers is, at its heart, a how-to book about achieving radical success.  It would be great.  I’d talk to Simmons about our mutual love for Wisconsin, and beat Klosterman down by telling him he’s the one writer who’s been able to put my feelings into words most consistently (besides DFW, of course).  This is why I think he won’t like me, I suppose.

Television:  I’d have a hard time resisting picking the brain of anybody who’s ever been associated with LOST, especially the creators/rulers of the show (Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse) and the actors who play Locke, Ben, Sayid, or Hurley.  I wouldn’t necessarily want to express my undying love to Jack or Sawyer, though — not sure why.  I’d love to talk to Kate or Charlie or Claire or even Mr. Eko.  Especially Mr. Eko.  There’s like 30 people from this show I’d like to meet.

I’d love to give Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant my glowing praise in person, even though Ricky’s an athiest and I’d want to talk him out of that.  I wouldn’t necessarily add any American Office people to the list, save John Krasinski, whom I’d berate with David Foster Wallace talk.  I’m sure there are other shows, but none that make me want to walk up to a celebrity and meet them.  For example, nobody involved with Alias, Freaks and Geeks, The Simpsons, or Arrested Development would make my list.  Well, maybe Martin Starr or Michael Cera.  But nobody else.  Ok, maybe Gob.

Movies:  Aside from TV crossovers like Cera and Gervais, you have director David Lynch, who would be fascinating to me for all sorts of reasons.  He’s into transcendental meditation, first of all.  Also, he’s the greatest director on the planet.  I would be totally intimidated by Quentin Tarantino for no discernible reason, but I would love to talk to him.  Ditto for Wes Anderson.  I think Jason Schwartzman would be really cool, and I would have a hard time resisting the opportunity to talk to Naomi Watts about Mulholland Drive.  Other than that, I don’t really get into movie stars too much.  At least not enough to overcome my crippling social anxiety.  There’s probably others that I’m missing here, actually.  But this is a blog post, not an encyclopedia, so I’m not going to fret about it.

Politics:  Nobody.  I don’t want to encourage them.

Music:  Sufjan Stevens, definitely.  My impression of him is that he’d be really cool to hang out with, but that may only be because he writes lyrics the way I want to write stories.  I’d love to meet Jason Martin from Starflyer 59, but would probably end up disappointed.  He’s probably nice, but quiet.  I’d like to know what Superstar Kid are doing now, but only like 5 people would get that joke, so I’ll probably edit it out later.  Cory Chisel slept on my couch once, but I don’t especially want to talk to him, except possibly to return the white tie he left behind.   The Danielson Familie would be fun to meet, and David Bazan would be fun to hang out with, I think (though possibly a little dark).  I’d like to personally ask Azure Ray why they broke up.  I would not like to meet, see, or interact with Saviour Machine in any way, however.

Sports: I don’t know.  Ray Allen would be great to meet and talk to, as would the chilled-out-seeming Andrew Bogut.  I can’t think of any other sports heroes right now, sorry.  I’ve decided to stop watching for a while, remember?

Others/Internet:  I love the work of the folks at Rocketboom, and would totally view them as approachable.  Amber MacArthur and her brother Jeff seem nice and Canadian.  The radio hosts on The Ticket would be great to meet in a venue other than Ticketstock, I think — especially Bob Sturm, with whom I could talk all things Packer football.

I’m done with this subject.

*Consider this 2007 Chuck Klosterman interview quote from NBA Man-of-the-hour Gilbert Arenas, on why he says all the weird stuff he does:

“Everybody wants to be the all-American boy,” he says. “But at the end of the day, America is not perfect. Normal blue-collar people understand this. That’s why everyone loved Larry Bird. Larry Bird could hit a game-winning shot and then get drunk with the locals. People want personality.” He adds: “My favorite player growing up was Penny Hardaway. Even though he was shy and didn’t talk very much, he had that ‘Li’l Penny’ character — those commercials he did with Chris Rock. That was funny. It’s the same now with those LeBron James commercials. You want to find out who these people actually are. You don’t want to hear them say, ‘I work hard,’ and all that stuff. Everybody has that story. I’d rather know what someone eats for dinner or what they order at Starbucks.”