These Danes are happy.
I’m getting a little tired of having to have a point when I type these blog posts. I mean, I want to be understood as much as the next guy, but it’s just not worth all this stress of having to reason out arguments and make coherent points. Sometimes I just want to throw stuff out there and see if it sticks, ok? Having thus disclaimed my entire blog, let me now proceed to write stuff:
Figure skating is really bad, I think, for America. Those poor dudes and girls are all being forced to wear funny outfits and give up the prime of their recreational lives so that America’s female audience can be entertained. The men’s and ladies’ singles competitions strike me as especially odd for some reason. It’s basically a highly organized form of So You Think You Can Dance On Ice. The girls are all young and growth-stunted, like they’ve been smoking since birth. It’s all weird and sketchy. The guys just look uncomfortable, like they have to constantly convince themselves that ice skating is OK.
Also, and obviously, Ice Dancing is not a sport. It’s barely a competition. Are we really giving out Olympic medals to who dances the best? The ancient Athenians are rolling over in their graves.
The Olympics are just another in a long list of things that US women have ruined, a list which also includes the Lewis & Clark Expedition, elections, and our children. Of course, I’m kidding. It’s just that when I see figure skating it makes me really, really sexist. I can’t help it.
On a more serious note, I find this whole Disney obsession with princesses disturbing in all sorts of ways. I feel like I’m the only one noticing that these movies are totally corrupting our kids. It’s like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something. Children are, after all, our most valuable resource this side of soybeans and corn. Monsanto owns those things, and now Disney owns our children. What’s the deal with princesses anyway? To become a princess, you either have to be born one, or have a Prince marry you. Both of those things are totally random, but Disney is purposely pretending that they’re not. And in the real world there are no princes, which means Walt Disney might as well be making movies about unicorns. You can rest assured that if they did, little girls everywhere would be gluing toilet paper rolls to their heads. I regard this princess thing as equally strange.
Unrealistic expectations = death. Did you know that people from Denmark are on average the happiest in the world? Do you know why? Because they are content with what they have. They take their 2% unemployment and semi-comfortable life and are content with it. Maybe Walt Disney should start making movies about that, instead of trying to turn our children against us with toys and false hopes. And don’t get me started on Barbie. Yeesh, that girl is insipid and unstoppable, like Speidi crossed with Hakeem Olajuwon.
You know what else? I don’t think there really was a secret chord that David played that pleased the Lord. So that famous song is based on a foundation of wrongness, is what I’m saying. I don’t really care for music, I guess. It’s pretty, but so are princesses. A cold and broken kind of pretty.
Also, I don’t like loud noises. Bah! I need some peace and quiet. Where are my ear plugs? There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by ear plugs.
Whew. That’s better. Sorry, it’s just that sometimes these things just build up in my heart like that magnetic force in the hatch on LOST, and I have to input the numbers and press the button to release them. If I don’t, the blast doors in my soul shut and weird-looking runes appear in my head. I can’t carry the metaphor any farther than that, so goodbye.
