Man, I Hate Politics, Part One

Let’s watch the RNC!

by Mike Doug Pape

I’m trying to watch the RNC tonight, my only free night to watch it this week.  This happens to be the night when all the dudes who lost the GOP race give speeches and try to convince us to vote for the guy who beat them, John McCain.  Oven Mitt Romney just got up there and said a bunch of Republican stuff and bored the crowd.  I can’t believe he has actual delegates there that represent people who voted for him.  He looks like a guy who sells tupperware door-to-door.  Come to think of it, he looks like an east-coast version of Uncle Rico.

I’m watching the MSNBC coverage, half-hoping a fight will break out.  Tom Brokaw and some guy named Chuck are basically hoping out loud that Mike Huckabee says something interesting.  They also mention that everybody — epsecially Huckabee and McCain — hate Mitt Romney and want to see him Just Go Back to Utah.  Keith Olberman, out of his element here (you can tell he’d rather be hitting the conventioneers with sharp objects) asks Chris Matthews if he thinks that VP candidate Sarah Palin might have a leg up on Romney and Huckabee in the next presidential election.  Perhaps Olberman is planning on killing McCain soon, or perhaps he just thinks McCain will die of natural causes.  Either way, it’s a fairly disrespectful question at a convention where they haven’t even technically given this election’s nomination to McCain yet.

Huckabee gets up and takes a jab at the media, and everyone cheers A LOT.  I must say that the usually reprehensible media has been especially hypocritical regarding this whole Palin thing.  This will be a recurring theme tonight, I reckon.  He is way more interesting than Romney, which is funny because he’s Mike Huckabee.  He starts ripping Obama for going to Europe and bringing back liberal European ideas.  I wonder if that’s true, I mean at all.  He then goes on to make some fun points about big government and says something like, “We’re tired of the goverment telling us how inflated our tires have to be.”  And this is why we love Mike Huckabee.  I for one am tired of that.  But I’m more tired of the 50 bucks or so I have to pay to get The Man to inspect my car and tell me my tires are inflated. 

On a side note, about 90% of the people there are white, 30 years of age or older.  This includes all the MSNBC media team members, btw.  Also, me. 

Mike Huckabee tells a story about a teacher who wouldn’t let any of her students have a desk.  Turns out the whole desk thing was a front to get the students, Mike Huckabee, and you to realize that our veterans were the ones that made school desks possible.   

Olbermann corrects two “factual errors” in Huckabee’s speech:  Abe Lincoln didn’t “found” the republican party, and Sarah Palin didn’t get more votes for Mayor of some town in Alaska than Joe Biden got for President.  In this way, he totally took the bait, and showed once again that the non-Fox News media just can’t stop challenging republicans on anything, no matter how trivial or petty they sound.  I truly don’t think they realize how petty and angry they sound when they say these things.  Andrea Mitchell just asked Mitt Romney a battery of questions, ranging from “I just asked some guy from Massachusetts about Sarah Palin, and he basically said Pfffft” to “How do you compare Obama and Palin, since Obama just made it through this grueling campaign and Palin just got off the shrimp boat from the arctic cricle.”  These questions are stupid and insulting and would be embarassing if we hadn’t given up the idea of an unbiased and objective media sometime in the last 10 years (coinciding with the ascent of Fox News and the inevitable backlash/copycatting).  As it is, it’s fully expected and it fully sucks.  

Sarah Palin’s family is really cute and poised and real-looking.  In contrast, Cindy McCain is sitting next to them and acting as though this was the first time she’s ever seen a baby.  The much-maligned Bristol Palin seems about 100 times more human than Ms. McCain, in that she appears to be feeling real emotions.  Her family’s whole story just humanizes her, don’t they understand that?

MSNBC reporter David Gergory just referred to Ms. Palin’s “tremendous upside.”  Man, that’s funny.  How’s her wingspan?  Does she play taller than her listed height?  You know, she did play basketball in high school.  Is she being drafted to the WNBA?

Christ Matthews just pointed out the irony of the extremely white and old and male speech writer composing a speech attacking the old white male establishment.  First Olbermann, now him.  Are they drunk?  If not, why are they so bitchy? 

Giuliani is now up, and he’s way smoother than either Romney or Huckabee.  He also attacks the left-wing media.  No wonder MSNBC is feeling bitchy.  Giuliani goes over the McCain resume, and puts special emphasis on the one big bullet point, the one that has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with Character and Honor.  He then talks about Obama and basically accuses Barack of being a “Chicago Machine” politician who never had to lead anyone in a time of crisis.  Yeah, but what about his ideas?  At least Romney talked about ideas, as boring as those ideas are.  Giuliani says that change is not a destination, and hope is not a strategy.  This is true, but neither are same and cynicism, respectively.

After Bush, isn’t it a little hypocritical for Republicans to be talking about Democrats increasing the size of government?  Sheesh.

You know, Rudy Giuliani really does still have deep respect among the American people, expecially when it comes to terrorism.  The best part of his speech, the part that really hit home, was his pointing out how the Democratic convention didn’t talk about Islamic terrorism at all.  He then pointed out McCain’s association with the highly unpopular Iraqi troop surge, and how that surge turned out pretty well.  Giuliani’s so much better when he’s pumping up McCain as opposed to ripping Obama.  Keith Olbermann momentarily breaks in as MSNBC has a glitch.  Giuliani’s going over time a bit here.  It’s 9:25, and Palin’s speech is supposed to be starting right now.  Giuliani is allowed to do this clearly because he’s awesome at being a hypeman.  He’s like the Flavor Flav of the GOP right now.  He puts on his oversized clock and talks a bunch about Sarah Palin, and punctuates it with “Yeah boyyyyeeeee!”

But seriously, this GOP ticket definitely has an anti-establishment vibe.  McCain is hated by his own party, but semi-respected by everyone.  Palin’s a supermom who hunts moose.  This is not a typical presidential ticket, to be sure.

Sarah Palin comes out, and the crowd goes wild.  There’s definitely a sense that she’s come through some sort of fire here, and they want to see her in her moment of triumph, even if it is only triumph over the stupid media.   They clap for what seems like 5 minutes, and Palin just keeps saying “thank you.”  Then she gets right to it, and speaks much more convincingly about her love for the McCain candidacy than Hillary did about Obama.  She then talks extremely comforably and passionately about her family.  She’s kind of kicking butt right now.  She’s a confident and accessible speaker, with an ability to communicate by both what she says and the way she says it.  If I were being sexist, I’d say she’s spunky.  She has this thing she does with her voice when she gets excited — it’s a little gutteral emphasis, almost like a jazz singer.  It’s often accompanied by a little nose scrunch.  Not to compare her with Hillary again, but when Hillary tries this it comes out shrewish.  Ok, I’ve probably said too much.

“Being a mayor is kind of like being a community organizer, except you have actual responsibilities.”  Moment of triumph, reached.

One good thing about Palin from the GOP perspective — she probably knows more about energy than any US politician, and can articulate what she thinks.  Since energy is going to be HUGE in this election, that’s a big plus.  She’s also funny — pro speechwriter notwithstanding, she knows how to deliver a line.  The media’s bizarre anti-Palin jihad has given this speech extra historical significance, too.  Since she’s only the VP candidate, this speech probably would have been soon forgotten had they not made such a big deal about her.  Think about the stupid attacks we’ve heard this week:  She’s not experienced enough, her daughter’s pregnant, she should be at home with her baby, her husband got a DUI in 1986, she pushed for federal resources for the town in Alaska where she was Mayor, she once voted to raise taxes, etc.  Think about the headlines we’ve seen about McCain’s “vetting” process.  Thanks to them, I now know what a vetting process is.

But that’s all over now…she’s obviously up to being a VP candidate, and the McCain camp was wise to dump the entire Palin closet of skeletons into the public square before the convention.  If we hear about vetting or pregnant daughters, it’ll only be from transparently liberal newspeople (such as many of this MSNBC bunch).  Truth be told, I like all four of the people involved in this election, and honestly won’t be disappointed in a victory for either ticket.  This is me being naive, but what the hey.  It’s my new kind of apathy — the kind that votes and doesn’t care who wins.