Movies Ahoy: Kick-buttocks

I know that’s not the movie’s name, but my mom reads this.  Hi, mom.

"His name should be A** Kicked"

"His name should be A** Kicked"

Well, that was interesting.  I’m one of the people who saw this movie on its opening weekend, which is weird because I a) never see things on their opening weekend, and b) wasn’t that excited to begin with.  But weirdness aside, the best way I can describe “Kick Buttocks” is this: It’s not a total waste of two hours.

The main problem with the movie is it can’t decide what it is.  Is it a violent satire of Spider-Man?  A violent Kung-Fu movie with teenage superheros?  A violent black comedy with an indie comic sensibility?

So we can see that whatever this movie can be said to be, we know it is violent with a capital V.

“Kick-Buttocks” suffers from what I’ll call “indie comic hyperstylization complex,” which means that while an 11-year-old girl in a mask taking out scores of drug dealers with a variety of cool weapons might look good in a comic book, it’s really disturbing when played out in a live-action movie.  I’m not saying it wasn’t really cool, mind you, but any emotional resonance the story might have had went out the window when legs started being chopped off.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Kick-Buttocks is about a normal kid who decides that he’s going to try to be a superhero even though he has no powers.  It starts out with a positive message about doing something about all the crime up in here, but turns into something different when this non-hero gets put in the hospital, comes back to “crimefighting,” names himself “Kick Buttocks,” becomes a Youtube superstar, meets a real Batman-esque vigilante (played by Nicolas Cage) and his deadly 11-year-old daughter, runs afoul of the mob, and tangles with McLovin’.  Yes, that McLovin.

Some parts of it work.  The whole Nic Cage and daughter thing is great, and every time they show up the movie gets appreciably better.  The mob scenes, when played for laughs, are pretty good.  But it all ends up being fluff, and the central message of “one normal guy can make a difference” quickly degenerates into “one normal guy in a costume can get chicks he never could have gotten otherwise.” When McLovin dons a costume he’s supposed to be funny; we know this because it’s McLovin, and he’s dressed like a gay japanese pop idol.  But he’s decidedly not funny, and he ends up being the crux of all the dark and violent places the movie eventually goes.  This may have worked in the comic book, but in a live-action movie, it’s just annoying.

The kid who plays Kick-Buttocks himself was fine, but he needed to be awesome.  He has two friends in the movie that are kinda funny, but they needed to steal scenes.  The only two characters that lived up to their roles were Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Maybe the film should have been about them instead.

2 1/2 out of 5 overpriced popcorns, because while a little girl taking out 50 mobsters is undeniably kick-buttocks, abruptly introduced teenage sex in an alley definitely isn’t.

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Fun Conversations

From my dreams this morning:

(I’m in some sort of employee review situation)

Generic blonde woman: Now let’s talk about clothing.

Me:  Ok.

GBW:  Would you say you’re a good dresser?

Me: Um…I don’t know…

GBW: (shaking her head) No, you are not a good dresser.

In the hallway, just now:

Engineer: And I’m telling you that it depends on the size and complexity of the (data set).  Getting the data from it could take 5 minutes, or it could take 16 hours.  If Armstrong were here he’d be going ballistic.

Boss: It could take that long, but it shouldn’t.

Engineer:  Oh, right.  (dismissively walks away).

—————————————————

My day started out well with 5 blades, but quickly took a turn as I spilled coffee all over my tax return and blackberry.  I blame the generic blonde lady.

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A Real Resolution

WHEREAS, It has been well-established that watching movies makes me healthy, happy, and empathetic toward other humans, which makes me a better person and follower of Jesus;

and WHEREAS, I have set as my goal the quite daunting 500 as the number of movies I need to watch to be a self-actualized human being;

and EVEN THOUGH that 500 number is completely arbitrary;

and WHEREAS, I don’t care;

and WHEREAS, I have a heretofore unnecessary subscription to Netflix that I barely use;

and WHEREAS, I have the skill to make a spreadsheet;

then be it RESOLVED, God willing, that I come up with a schedule of five (5) movies a week until I either: a) go crazy, b) pass away, or c) fail to watch five movies.

Wish me luck.  That is all.

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Netflix Diary: The Fall

WARNING:  This Netflix Diary contains spoilers that will spoil you like sour cream that’s been sitting in the sun.  Only read if you don’t care about this.

The Fall is so unique and crazy that it defies normal movie reviews.  Director Tarsem Singh has created a visual and emotional feast whose effectiveness depends entirely on one’s answer to two questions:  1) Do you like huge, spectacular natural sets and over-the-top visual artistry? and, 2) Does the relationship between the main characters — a suicidal stuntman and a 5-year-old girl — resonate with you emotionally?  In my case, the answer to both questions is a resounding “yes,” but then again, I like weird stuff.

Some people have compared The Fall to The Princess Bride, but the only thing the two movies share is a framing device.  In Bride, we don’t care about Peter Falk or that stupid kid; we just want to find out if the Dred Pirate Roberts gets the girl.  In The Fall, the story is imaginative, but clearly being made up on the spot by the stuntman and imagined onscreen by both him and the little girl.  It looks super-cool (and without it, this movie would admittedly be a depressing 45-minute dirge that would have no reason to exist), but as Homer Simpson would say, “There is no moral.  It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”  This is probably what makes The Fall so divisive.  People want the fantasy story part of it to have the amazing ending that’s promised by its epic scale, and the film turns out to be just about a suicidal guy telling a story to a girl so she’ll bring him pills.  Although it eeks out some good feelings at the very end, the vast majority of both narratives is unrelentingly bleak.  So you can see why I like it.

Another potential point of divisiveness is the performance of the little girl, a foreign non-actor who mumbles and does all sorts of other things that broadcast the fact that she’s a real girl and not really acting.  I’m going to submit that this dose of reality helps the film a ton, because it turns it from a standard manufactured Hollywood drama into something unlike any other movie before it.  She’s such a real presence that she forces all the other actors to play “real” with her.  This makes the whole thing kind of charming — but also really strange.  And when the end comes and she figures out that he wants to kill himself and that the epic tale he’s spinning from his own life is going to end in tragedy, her tears and protests are too unskilled to feel trite.  I can see how someone who’s really happy would still find the story boring and lame, but don’t listen to them.  About anything.

P.S. — The woman who looks like a Bond girl that plays the nurse/princess has a really weird voice.  I have nothing besides that to say about her.  Also, one can tell this film was made by the same guy who made The Cell.  Tarsem really likes horned helmets and giant Martian-looking outdoor locations.

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Quote Bashing, Part I

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

-Nelson Mandella

This quote is fine, up to a point.  The idea that we shouldn’t let other people’s insecurities decide the way we act SOUNDS like a good idea, until you get to the question of applying it to real life.  And then you realize that Nelson Mandella just put his Very Respected Name underneath the personal philosophy of every ignorant loudmouth in the world.  It’s one thing to not shrink when you’re fighting apartheid; it’s quite another to bully some poor kid into giving you his lunch money.

Maybe sometimes it’s ok to love other people enough to become lesser so that they can become greater.  Unless your point is that people can only grow if they confront those insecurities, another point that SOUNDS good until you find yourself Dwight Schruted in the middle of nowhere and told to find your way back to camp so you can pass some insane initiation.  Again, this cannot be universally applied to any insecurity.  This is why it’s a bad quote.

I would further submit that you’re more here on this earth for others than you are for yourself, but that’s admittedly a crazy idea and easily dismissable on the grounds that it requires faith, which as we all know is not scientific and therefore just nutty.  Carry on enlightenedly browbeating weaker people with your hideous strength.

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Man, I’m busy

Yup, this is me.

It’s not only that I have a full-time job AND a part-time job now (the part-time job mostly to make up for the taxes I pay at the full-time job), it’s that on successive nights I have: 1) discovered gin and tonic; and 2) attended a Brewers game.  Both were great, but have left me so tired I don’t have time to even post here or read a 1000-word story for a writing contest I’m judging.  It’s time to cram activities into any blocks of time I can, I guess.  You know what else?  And this is a shocker…

I missed LOST last night.  And a Desmond episode, no less.  Ugh.

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What Are Dorks, Geeks, and Nerds?

Great White Snark has provided a helpful diagram…or have they?  See it here:

http://www.greatwhitesnark.com/2010/03/25/difference-between-nerd-dork-and-geek-explained-in-a-venn-diagram/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+greatwhitesnark%2Fyqzr+%28Great+White+Snark%29

Because that link is super-long, I’m going to be a bad internet citizen and hotlink the picture:

I’m going to geek out a bit here (or is it nerd out?) and tell you why I think this diagram is wrong.  I don’t really care about this issue, but somebody has to say what I’m about to say.

Nerds, geeks, and dorks are all synonyms for dweebs.  They mean the exact same thing.  To suggest otherwise is pretty dorky, don’t you think?  I like the three characteristics in the diagram, but the reality is simpler — and more complicated — than it suggests.

There are different types of nerds/dorks/geeks out there.  We’re all familiar with the common ones — computer geeks, science geeks, socially awkward outcasts, total weirdos, etc.  But those are not the only ways in which people can nerd out.  In fact, there are geeks for just about any interest in our world.  We just know them by different names, i.e.,  “enthusiast,” “passionate,” or “fan.”  The only thing you need to be considered a geek is a large enough amount of interest in something, and that something could be anything in the world.  Don’t think so?  Search for anything on the internet, and chances are you’ll find someone with a larger-than-advisable interest in that thing.  We are all dorks.

So the core component of nerdiness is obsession, and the “intelligence” and “socially awkward” parts come from developmental stages of life (usually middle- and high-school), where certain types of nerds tend to be a) Really into being smart, and b) Really having no clue as to how to properly relate to peers unlike themselves.  When you become an adult, these characteristics tend to get smoothed out, just as non-nerds get interested in interesting things and geek out in their own way.  Remember when you got to college and 80% of people were on roughly the same social status?  Yeah, that’s because people grow up and adopt more nuanced social constructs.

It’s at this point that most people start self-identifying themselves as nerds about something, in order to find others who are nerdy about that particular thing.  The only people who don’t do this are people who are trying too hard to be cool.  Have nothing to do with them.

To be fair, the diagram really isn’t about any type of nerd, it’s about the specific type that everyone remembers from high school — male, white, unhygenic, generally nice, interested in technology and math, athletically anti-gifted, unpopular, Red Dwarf-watching, living in a strange culture that only they understand –  and it still fails, because like I said, these terms all mean the same thing.  Nerds, dorks, and geeks are all obsessed, intelligent, and socially awkward.  This is why Chuck can call its IT repair team the Nerd Herd and everyone associates them with Best Buy’s Geek Squad.  This Venn diagram should just be a single circle with a bunch of words inside it.

Man, I’m a dork.

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Breaking My Links

No, not this type of Lynx.

No, not this type of Lynx.

I just broke all my permalinks in an effort to try something.  Permanent links to posts on epthnation.com will now contain the name of the post rather than the default, which was a sequential number.  The good thing is, there are very few links to this blog out there, at least according to my records.

This is what happens when you change something that’s supposed to be permanent, I guess.  Sorry if this ruins your day.

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Health Care And You

Against my better judgment, I got some points to make about “The Health Care.”  They aren’t necessarily good points, but they are my own.  I better get these out now before the Government takes over Blog Care, too.

Just kidding.

Because people love lists, I’ve written everything I know about the just-passed Obama Special Healthcare Bill in the form of a numbered list.  To paraphrase Neville and Ronstadt, I don’t know much but I know I love you, and that’s why I’m posting this.  If I didn’t love you, would I really dive into these shark-infested waters?  How silly of me — I actually think I have some worthwhile things to write about regarding this hot-button topic.  Anyway, enjoy:

1)  There are things in this passed bill that are fantastic.

I’m talking about the “no limits” clause and the “pre-existing conditions” clause, both of which are long overdue and had to be included as part of any serious approach to US health care.  These clauses directly address the major weakness of the old US system, namely that it (was) based upon social status and insurability rather than need.  There are (a few) areas of life where strict capitalism works well; access to medicine is not one of them.  So, something clearly had to be done.    Just by getting rid of the pre-existing condition disqualifier for health insurance, Obama has leapfrogged Clinton on the list of “most effective presidents.”  Don’t get excited, though — Clinton would be at like no. 48 on that list.

2) I will benefit from this bill.

Disclaimer (although I probably won’t need it when you see the rest of my points):  I am one of the people who will move from uninsuredness to insuredness because of the Obamacare.  I will take the public option if need be, and I will gladly stand in long lines to see semi-disinterested doctors who look at me for a few seconds before misdiagnosing my diseases.  This will put my family’s mind at ease a bit (though certain members are probably pretty angry with Congress right now), which is always preferable.

3)  We (the people) cannot pay for this.

We can’t pay for anything.  We have no money.  We have anti-money, in fact.  We have a dark black hole of debt where our money should be, thanks to (insert preferred scapegoat here).  This is not the time to be creating another government program.  This is the time to be disbanding them and fending for ourselves like feral alley cats.

4)  In related news, Social Security and Medicare are NOT success stories.  Pelosi, I’m looking at you.

They will go bankrupt, at least in the sense that they’ll not be able to make promised payments on time because of the baby boomers and their accursed birth control.  This will cause cuts — real cuts, not just the slowdown in increases that have been proposed (and rejected) in recent years.  By the time I’m old, if I get to live that long, Social Security will look way different than it does now.  Either that, or we’ll be a totally communist nation.

I wonder if people ever think about exactly how much of our income goes to the Social Security “flushing toilet of death.”  Yes, it’s helped a lot of people meet their needs in a “dependent on the Man for a check” kind of way, but for the money we’re all pitching in, people should be spending their golden years in mansions made of actual gold.  Do you realize how much your employer contributes to Social Security?  Ask him/her about it sometime.  Expect to hear cuss words back.

5)  It is accurate to say, as a Christian, that God has a heart for the poor.

If you read the Bible, it’s almost reasonable to conclude that the poor are all He cares about.  Jesus, especially.  This has become a popular talking point among liberal Christians w/r/t Universal Health Care, to the point that the issue has almost become a litmus test for how compassionate (and, therefore, Jesus-like) a person is.   Would Jesus deny health care to poor people, they ask?  Would he want the rich Insurance Companies to make money off pain and suffering?  When people came to him to be healed, was the quality of healing they received directly proportional to their available resources?  Did he only heal those who had jobs?*  And so on.  The answers to these questions is obviously no.

6)  It is not accurate to say that Jesus wants Universal Health Care passed.

I’m going to throw a big word at you: Hermeneutics.  It’s a fancy term for the systematic interpretation of a particular text.  Applying all the verses about God’s love for the poor to the idea of a government-run health-care system is a violation of everything you learn in Biblical Hermeneutics 101, if there was such a class.  In other words, it’s bad Theology.  Not only that, but it’s the same exact mistake that Conservatives and Evangelicals are always accused of making — namely, equating the Nation of Israel in the Old Testament with the good ol’ U.S. of A.  When God gets mad at Israel for not doing anything to help the poor, you can’t look back at that verse in 2010 and put the U.S. government in the place of Israel and apply the passage in the same exact way.  Why?  Because the nation of Israel’s equivalent since Jesus did his thing is the Christian Church, not a particular country or culture.  What does this mean to the health care debate?  Well, Christians should evaluate a thing like Universal Health Care in America on its political and pragmatic merit, rather than the fulfillment of the Church’s mandate to care for people.  This means that liberal Christians can’t rightly call conservative Christians heartless and godless just because they think differently about political issues and core economic principles.  It’s not unchristian to challenge the merits of a piece of legislation.  It’s just not.

Also, it’s technically an ad-hominem argument to say that the right doesn’t care about the poor because they oppose Universal Health Care.  Again, this doesn’t mean it’s not true — it’s just not a valid argument.

7)  Maybe We Need To Embrace Socialism

Um, has anyone seen this button:

Just asking to be hotlinked

Just asking to be hotlinked

http://www.zazzle.com/i_welcome_our_socialist_overlords_button-145271086667136959

I think it’s funny that an Obama supporter would wear this button not realizing that the quote is actually from news anchor Kent Brockman on The Simpsons, who mistakenly believes that giant ants have taken over Springfield, and so out of fear pledges allegiance to them.  So what you’re saying when you wear this is a) You just support Socialism because you’re afraid of being killed by giant Socialists, and b) Socialism isn’t real.  Ahh…this brings back memories of when The Simpsons was great.  Let’s try this again…

7)  Maybe We Need To Embrace Our Socialist Overlords

I know a lot — a LOT — of Christians who are afraid of big government, and they have (mostly) good reasons for feeling that way.  I’m not.  This makes me naive and (in many ways) stupid.  I want you to know I realize this.  Perhaps because I believe in the American Dream, or perhaps because of my next couple points, I just don’t think Obama-style Socialism is that bad.  Anything that restricts normal freedoms is bad, I agree — for example, laws about smoking in restaurants or using cell phones in school zones.  Those prevent people from doing what they choose for no dang good reason.  Sure, it might be good to eat in a smoke-free environment, but it’s totally stupid to not allow restaurants themselves to make that call.  These are the types of issues that freedom and capitalism were made for.  But redistribution of wealth?  Not so bad.  I think we’d all like to believe that the rich deserve more money than the poor, but I think we also deep down know that they don’t.  Anyway, I plan on giving away all my money as soon as I pay off all my debt, so I’m going to react to Obamanomics with a big fat personal “whatever.”  And yes, ladies, I am available.  Shocking, I know.

8)  This vote probably means President Palin in 2012.

This health care bill is wildly unpopular; every poll during the past year has said so.  Conservatives are fired up at unheard-of levels because of it, and every one of them that stayed home for McCain will come out in spades for whomever the Republicans throw out there.  This upcoming crap-storm will make the Tea Parties look like a College Republicans’ Mixer.  It will be huge, and it will start this year.  If the Socialism Fear really takes off, we could end up with a Republican supermajority and a Palin Powersuit Presidency two years from now.  In which case, the parts of this bill that haven’t taken effect by then (which are most of them) could be in jeopardy.

Don’t think so?  How are pro-life Democrats going to react when it’s rightly pointed out that Obama’s supposed last-minute Executive Order to uphold the ban on using federal money to fund abortions will be (presumably) superceded by the bill itself?  How will they react the first time the Executive “Order” is circumvented?  I’m guessing probably not well.  As much as the Press would have you believe otherwise, this particular Universal Health Care legislation is not supported by the majority of the people in America.  Once somebody figures out what’s actually inside the bill that passed, this fact will become crystal clear.

9)  Fining those who choose not to have health insurance is actually, really Tyranny with a capital “T,” and also super-unconstitutional (not that it matters…or does it?)

Will the courts throw this plan out completely, throw out this particular part, or just whistle while looking at the ceiling as it passes by them?  There will be a court case — I know there will be, because a friend of mine has threatened to file one when the time comes.  It’s impossible to know how they’ll rule, but this is a good thing, this Constitutional review of laws.  This is what the courts are for.  Separation of powers, checks and balances, and all that good stuff, remember?  Now, if only we could convince the court to make the right judgments, we might have a Republic that works.  But I don’t want to get into our insane and dart-throwing court system right now.  I could go on and on all night about that, and I have to work at 6 am.

I think that covers it.  Carry on, then.

* Ok, so I made up these last two questions.  Pretty good ones, though, don’t you think?

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Rules For Writer-lings #1: First Sentences Are Important

Blurst of times?  Dont be a stupid monkey.

Blurst of times? Don't be a stupid monkey.

Hey, since I’ve mastered the art of writing (shut up — if Miley Cyrus can be said to have “mastered the art of comedy,” anyone can claim to have mastered anything) I thought I’d pass along some tips for you would-be writers out there, in case you want to submit your work to somebody someday and make lots of dough by composing readable material.  Despite my sarcastic nature, these tips are going to be both serious and helpful.  Many of them will seem obvious, but sometimes obvious things are the least obvious of all.  I think that would probably be an example of a bad first sentence, but I’m not sure.

When you start a story, you need something to hook the reader’s attention so he/she doesn’t put it down and move on to the next story/TV show/movie/blog post/pie-eating contest in life.  That’s not ALL you need, however.  A mistake I see a lot is the dreaded “hook that doesn’t make sense.”  It’s ok if you’re trying to draw the reader in with mystery.  It’s not ok if your punctuation is wrong or your characters say words that make no sense.  Sometimes you try so hard to draw the reader in that you forget to structure a sentence properly. For example:

He was the best rugby player in the world, and in fact, he was a hit with the ladies and the men alike, except me.

You know what the reader says to that?  “Who cares?”  The “in fact” doesn’t fit, and the “hooky” thought involved needs to be expressed in at least two sentences.  Now, watch this:

He was the best rugby player in the world.  Women loved him, and men wanted to be him.  I, however, just wanted to kill him.

See what I mean?  Who wouldn’t read the story that followed that sentence?  I wish I would write a story with that as the first sentence just so I could read it later, because it would be awesome.

Heck, I’d rather see a story with no hook at all in the first paragraph than one that doesn’t punctuate or grammar-ize properly.  You are introducing your narrative world to your potential audience, and you need to assure them that they are in good hands.   If you don’t do that, they are lost forever.  Even if they do read what you’ve written, they won’t fully buy into the story.  If that’s true, why even write one in the first place?

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