If you know me, you know that I’ll just let this thing slide like Jim Gantner if I’m not careful. This past week, I was placed in a hypersealed box by the good folks at GM, and not allowed to communicate with the outside world until now. What’s up, everyone? It’s like 20 degrees colder outside. What happened?
I’ll tell you what’s up, and what happened. The US Men’s Basketball Team has figured out how to play international basketball, and they are blowing the competition away. Spain is the best team in the world? Pfft. Argentina? Manu Ginobili and a bunch of turnover machines, as far as I’m concerned. First the world adjusted to the US, and now we’ve adjusted back. However, we must remain ever vigilant, lest Stephon Marbury be sent to the Olympics again.
But still, the world has a long way to catch up with our superior ubermenschen. Dwyane Wade & Co. might not win every game by 30, but they’ll be almost impossible to beat. The basketball world is back on its proper axis, and off the axis of evil.
Everyone loves the Olympics, except those who think it’s lame or overly political. That’s probably a lot of people, actually. The worst part about these Beijing games is that China is allowed to present one big commercial for Capitalist totalitarianism — first to its own people, and then to the rest of the world. It looks awesome! Can I get some of that lack of human rights over here, please? It must be nice to not have to be an individual all the time. Lord knows I haven’t got very far just being myself. If I could get a billion people to prop me up, I might be able to play ping pong better. Of course, I’d have to give up all my freedoms to do it. Hmm.
Actually, I take that back. The worst part of the Olympics is the Lenovo thinkpad commercial with the Puck-like midget carrying the fruit basket. Normally I’m pro-midget, but this one illustrates some seriously false advertising on the part of Lenovo. See, I’m familiar with their “one-button restore” feature, and let’s just say it takes much more than pressing one button to pull it off. In a world of empty promises, we need truth over midgets. Sounds like a campaign slogan.
Barack Obama is going to win the presidential election because every single black person in America will vote for him. Sometimes these revelations just come to me. So, my point is, prepare now — and pray he figures out the same thing (Bill) Clinton did, namely that pro-business policies can be cloaked in populism if you convince enough people you care about them personally. Also, we need to win the Iraq war. Maybe we already have…
My new laptop won’t help me deliver pizzas, but it can help me rule the world one day. I went to Greenville, TX (pronounced by the locals as “grunvul”) yesterday for no reason. It’s pretty much a toilet. I like Stephenville and those areas southwest of Dallas a lot better. Anyway, the most notable part of my trip was finding gas for $3.37/gallon. Eat that, Iran.
