Yup. This pretty much sums it up.
Twilight: New Moon is playing today in every theater in America today. Though it may not seem like it at times, I try to be a “Live and Let Live” kind of guy, especially about things that don’t really matter. Popular movies, though nice and pretty and distracting, are not technically real. Not even Michael Moore’s movies are real (though it seems that roughly half the country doesn’t understand this). Therefore, they don’t matter. Of course, it’s a lot more complicated than that, but believing that the world is divided into “real” and “not real” things helps me sleep at night.
Until now.
To quote the noted Beatles replacement band “Wings” on the subject of living and letting live,
When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
(you know you did, you know you did you know you did)
But in this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
My heart, indeed, was an open book. Ironically, it was a book that closed it. That book was called Twilight, and even though I never read it, I want to go back in time and kill John Connor, so to speak (not really…figuratively…I think I’d just show Stephenie Meyer all the pain she’s caused by 2009 and convince her not to write it). It’s bad enough that there was one book like this. But there are four (4) books, all of them terrible, and there’s undoubtedly going to be one of these movies every couple years until I die from having to hear about them.
Q: This vitriol is pretty random, even for epthnation.com. You realize that some of your 20 weekly readers are probably fans of Twilight. Can’t you just reassure us you’re not really serious about this and/or explain yourself?
A: Ok. You’re right. Since Twilight: New Moon definitely fits into the “not real” category, I’m not fully serious here. This is more about my emotions, and everything about Twilight: New Moon stirs in me the most negative emotions possible. I can’t help it.
Q: Ok, now that you’ve distanced from the first two paragraphs, what problem do you have with abstinence vampires anyway?
A: Oh, boy. I just meant to rant…I didn’t intend to actually get into anything serious here. You know I hate vampires, right? Well, that hatred isn’t really about vampires. It’s about certain chick movies — moreover, certain chick stories in general. It just seems these days that more and more of them involve vampires, and so that hatred gets transferred to our good-looking undead friends, that’s all.
Q: Um…
A: But it’s way more complicated than that. There are a lot of moving parts to my hatred of Twilight and vampires and chick stories, many of which reside down rabbit holes that I have never fully explored. Most of these parts probably do not reflect very well on myself, to be honest. Meaning, while I don’t necessarily have a problem with my views on these things, I know that others would view me in a negative light. I think my views on these things would probably make people mad, and I don’t want to do that. Especially in light of the whole “real” – “not real” division and the fact that all this falls squarely into “not real.”
Q: Let’s see if I understand this: You want to express disdain for Twilight, but don’t want to do the typical ironic detached piece you would usually do because it doesn’t feel honest; However, a non-detached piece is out of the question because it would offend people.
A: Right.
Q: So why does this post exist?
A: Because you people need to know what’s going on in my head. That’s the only reason any posts exist, and we’re now on post 1545.
Q: Doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know, stereotypically narcissistic for a blogger? That you think your thoughts are somehow special and that people would benefit from reading them? The sad part about this is your thoughts on Twilight would probably be a little unique, if only because everyone who has them goes through the same process of realization that they wouldn’t be popular, and so they remain unexpressed. Since when do you care about being popular? You have like 20 readers! You just posted an entire breakdown of the Milwaukee Bucks’ season that nobody will ever read! Is your desire to be loved going to stop you from doing things the rest of your life?
A: Yes, probably.
Q: Well, there you go. That’s it, I’m outta here… (leaves, closing door behind him).
Like I said, you need to know what’s going on inside my head. I don’t know why, but you need to know this.
FEMALES:MALES :: Abstinence vampire stories:(Porn where people keep their clothes on? Weird Science-esque fantasies about perfect girls? Stories where people repeatedly break the first commandment? I’m having trouble coming up with a fitting analogy…)
