This is Epth Nation 2.7

I Watch The Oscars For You, You Know.

March 8th, 2010 by epthnation in Apologies, Netflix Diaries, Television | No Comments →

Not just for men anymore (TM)

Hey America, it’s time for the Oscars!

I’ve been feeling unable to form complete and wonderful sentences lately. They’ve been turning out half-done and awful. We’re just going to plow through this Oscars ceremony and see if we can get something funny or poignant going. It’s an amazing night every year, right? Lots of glitter. But let’s try to keep the cynicism to a minimum, shall we? While it’s true that nearly every year they pick the wrong film as Best Picture, it’s really more about the spectacle than the statues. This year, I haven’t seen any of the Oscar contenders, so I’m fresh out of opinions on their relative merits. It should be terrific!

The pre-show is on now, and Nearly Ubiquitous Sherri Shepherd (NUSS), Former Model Kathy Ireland (FMKI), and some dude named Jess Cagle are on the Red Carpet being Flavor Flav-style hypemen for Hollywood and all of its wonderful stars. I fully expect a lot of wondering about who is wearing whom, as if we’re all going to go out and buy that designer’s dresses if we think that Kate Winslet looks hot. Which she does, but I’m still not going to buy that dress.

First notable phenomenon of the night: Maggie Gyllenhall is really tall. She towers over the other Best Supporting Actress nominees, but that won’t help her tonight when Mo’Nique of Flavor of Love Girls Charm School beats her. Tall Maggie’s stylish bro Jake is talking to FMKI about his upcoming movie Prince of Persia, and he assures her it’s incredible. She can’t wait for it, because she’s contractually obligated to not be able to wait for it. You know, it’s funny, Kathy Ireland has a super-annoying voice that she’s mitigating by speaking an octave lower than normal tonight. She must have hired a voice coach sometime between Alien From L.A. and now. After she talked to Jake they let her talk to Zac Efron, and she was really enthusiastic about his upcoming projects, too. Apparently he was in something besides High School Musical. Oddly, he was wearing a shirt. I don’t want to be too negative, but he’s useless.

Speaking of, imagine my concern when I saw that Miley Cyrus is in a real live movie with other real actors. Imagine it. I’m asking you to imagine the thoughts that went through my head when I saw the trailer for a Miley Cyrus movie, knowing full well that it will be a hit. Just like “Party in the U.S.A.” I wonder if the movie stars Jay-Z, too. It’s not that I’m against her personally, it’s that I’m befuddled by her continued success in the face of sucking. Oh, that all of us who suck at something could become that popular.

So this happens: FMKI is forced to pronounce “philanthropy” when she interviews a possibly drunk and definitely frisky Morgan Freeman about the bracelets he and his two(!) dates are wearing. I’d make a timely joke about his multiple dates, but one of them is his daughter. Kathy’s super-impressed by those gold bracelets, and the fact that they have something to do with Nelson Mandela. Morgan tried to explain it, but he wasn’t all that lucid.

Matthew Broderick has salt in with his pepper hair. Wasn’t expecting that. Don’t know what to make of it. Totally awesome that he’s not coloring it, though. He looks old. I am old. Ferris Bueller came out when? Over 20 years ago? This sort of revelation is going to keep happening, isn’t it?

Anyone out there going to see the movie with the Twilight vampire and the girl from LOST? What, you don’t have anything better to do? It’s a bizarre combination of two very passionate fan bases. I wonder how much overlap that ven diagram has. In any case, unless the smoke monster fights vampires, I’m not interested. If it does, I’m VERY interested, especially if smokey wins. They need one of those things on True Blood.

Kathy just interviewed the aforementioned Miley Cyrus, and read a script that requires her to tell that hick that she’s “mastered comedy.” I don’t even have a line for this. Am I the only person who realizes that Miley Cyrus is basically the daughter of Cleetus from The Simpsons? People keep giving her contracts in the entertainment business, and she keeps being successful. Please stop supporting her. You’ve probably ruined her life with excess already, but we might be able to save the next one if we stop this lunacy now. Think about Demi Lovato, people. She still has a chance.

NUSS told Jeff Bridges he looks “yummy” as his wife was standing there looking pissed off. He does look yummy, though, in a wolfman kind of way.

On cue, we see Taylor Lautner’s nose. Again, am I the only person who notices this? This child is a sex symbol, and his face looks like it’s melting a la the bad guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Neil Patrick Harris kicks off the ceremony with a dirty, dirty song about dropping soap. Dirty. In the audience, all of Hollywood looks old. It’s comforting, really. We are the established generation now. If we wanted to, we could destroy the young. Keep that in mind, Miley.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting together, and one of the people in the room with me correctly calls the first joke they do before they say it. They’re going very broad here, comedically speaking. Most of their jokes are too bad to mention here, but they bring up Hitler in a joke series about Meryl Streep, and that’s always appreciated. Steve also references The Jerk, and that makes me think of Freaks and Geeks.

Funny thing: Steve Martin’s joke about Hollywood being full of Jews. Really? I did not know this. Yes, I’m an alien who just arrived on earth. Just a stranger here.

Thankfully, that Waltz dude from Germany won for Best Supporting Actor, and not any of the other nominees. All of those roles except the Damon rugby player were extremely creepy, especially Stanley Tucci. Woody Harrellson should have been nominated for Zombieland, not The Messenger or whatever it was called. Hey, Zombieland was one of the three movies I saw this year, so I know what I’m talking about.

I don’t know much about Hollywood, but I know that if The Blind Side wins Best Picture, that town will burn to the ground by the hands of the cultural elite. Nancy Pelosi and Bill Ayers will be first in line. They hate all that normal heartwarming crap. They want Hindu-Communist allegories like Avatar or films that veterans hate like The Hurt Locker. Mostly, they just hate movies where white people and black people succeed without liberalism. In a nutshell, this is why the Oscars is ruined like cheese that’s been sitting on the counter too long.

Animated film is next, and after a cutesy intro to all the films, Up! wins, to nobody’s surprise. Up! is about a balloon that has wacky adventures, I think. The only one of the animated nominees I saw is the last half of Coraline. I need to see that Fantastic Mr. Fox thing. It looks so cool.

Miley Cyrus misspeaks, and the angels cry. Yes, I borrowed that line from The Lonely Island, and it doesn’t have any sort of point, but forget her. Please? I’m sure Oscar ratings will be way up this year solely because of her teenage fake-casual twang. I’ve figured it out: Billy Ray made a deal with the Devil. It’s the only thing that explains all of it – from “Achy Breaky Heart” to “Miley at the Oscars” and everything in between. Either that, or I’m in purgatory.

If I ever do a Playboy spread, one of my turn-offs is going to be giant gaudy rings. I want to see your hands, not a giant rock. Don’t they bother you, girl in that commercial?

INTERMISSION – I need to eat something. Also, the Oscars are kind of boring, don’t you think?

Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey are doing a great bit about actor-writer rivalry, picking up where Ricky Gervais left off at the Golden Globes. I’ll leave you with that for a while as I munch.

While I was gone, the stupid short films that nobody saw this year competed against each other for like 20 awards that nobody cared about. The high point was the speech from the winners in the Short Documentary category, where an insane and very unpleasant older lady pushed a nice gay man (the filmmaker, I think) out of the way and tried to use the Oscar mic to make some point about this documentary that nobody has seen. The subject of the film was smiling away in the audience, and I was wondering why we were hearing from the pushy unpleasant lady instead of her or the nice gay man. They never even explained who this woman was, she just pushed him out of the way and charged him with sexism for not letting her talk first. It was great.

I need to see: District Nine. Up. Up in the Air. That Precious movie, even though it stars Mo’Nique. The writer just won for adapted screenplay, and gave the best Oscar speech ever. He was so affected by it he could barely talk, and he ended up just thanking a few family members and, then, everyone. I might not be able to take that much Mo’Nique in one sitting, though.

Supporting Actress!! You know, I’m against the entire concept of Nine. After Fellini made 8 ½, did he really need somebody to come around 40 years later and add to it? Also, it looks just terrible and racked with male guilt. In other news, Maggie Gyllenhall is still a tall drink of water, and she loves Jeff Bridges. Mo’Nique is still the Ambassador of Seriousness and Positivity, and she predictably wins. She thanks her lawyer, BET, Oprah, Tyler Perry, and the Academy for not choosing a white woman. She phrased it differently, but that’s what she meant. And I’m serious – those are the only people she thanked, besides her husband. Ugh.

Goods: Ben Stiller in Avatar makeup and the touching John Hughes tribute. Bads: An Education. I realize the movie was made for people who aren’t me, but that won’t stop me from being annoyed by it. Watch – it’ll pull an insane upset and win. Wouldn’t be the first time. Shakespeare in Love, anybody? Heck, it’s not like Avatar, the favorite, is a Godfather-level masterpiece. Can we pretend for a while that any of these ten (10!) nominated films can win? Can we exist for a second in that world? No? I’m going away until the real awards are given out. This show is a sham.

Yay! Sandra Bullock won! She seems really nice, and her tattooed extreme husband is crying. They love each other.

Hurt Locker wins, director and picture. Take that, Hindu Communism. Did you notice Babs Streisand mouth “It’s about time” when that Bigelow chick won Best Director? The lesson here is simple: Some people think life should be politicized, rather than bemoan the fact that it is. There’s a subtle difference there. You could argue that as a white male, the only reason I don’t want life to be politicized is that I’ve already gotten everything I want, politically speaking. I am of the Ruling Class or whatever, and see all such politicization as a threat to my power. It’s this (false) assumption about me and my ideals that has turned you into the kind of person that mouths “It’s about time” when a woman wins Best Director at the Oscars, thereby insulting everyone there who isn’t a woman. Congratulations, Barbara – you’re a full-blown arrogant buttmunch.

The problem is that life – and society — goes on whether we like it or not. That kind of naked inconsiderate “f-you” feminism would have made sense in 1980, but this is thirty years later. These days, a woman winning Best Director really is no big deal, even if it has never happened before. It’s a Little Deal. There’s a black man in the White House now. The younger you are, the more that you understand that you don’t have to turn yourself into a political construct anymore. It’s ok to just be a woman who directs a great movie and wins awards. You’ve come a long way, baby. Enjoy it.

And it’s not like she deserved it for directing Point Break, either. If anything, she should be doing penance for that.

A Small Portion of the Copyright Post I Always Told Myself I’d Write

March 1st, 2010 by epthnation in Computers, Music, Television, This Insane World | No Comments →

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m confused by copyright in the US right now. I’m a child of the 80’s — an era where magnetic tapes time-shifted anything and everything, from song mixes for would-be lovers to Thursday night’s episode of Hill Street Blues. It turns out that all these tapes were a product of an agreement between Sony and Big Tape Makers, and Sony got a kickback for every Maxell or BASF time-shifting product I purchased. It apparently wasn’t that making mix tapes was OK, it was that Sony looked the other way because of the kickback. Not a perfect system, but it helped produce joy on many an acne-stained face in the Reagan, Bush, and early Clinton eras.

We never even thought about copyrights back then, we just freely did what came naturally. Why? Because this was the 80’s, and technology had given us a new era where we could watch TV shows later (and fast forward through the commercials). No longer were we slaves to the networks’ insane scheduling and fascination with USA Baby’s advertising dollars. We could, in good conscience, get a second shift job somewhere and still be able to see Alf when we got home. Oh, what a world. We also broke free from slavery to the record companies by being able to create tapes that combined the good songs from many different artists, rather than having to fast forward past the inevitable “filler” to get to the good stuff. It was like the impossible-to-copy vinyl of the 70’s never existed, and that was a good thing. And people wonder why I call the 80’s the greatest decade ever.

This copyright paradise could have lasted forever if not for the advent of the music CD. All of a sudden, large-scale copying got easy. And fairly exact. And Sony had no kickback agreement for CDs, at least at first. This led to the first of many “Copyright Freakouts” starting in the late 90’s, where record companies banded together illegally (let’s be honest here — the RIAA is a classically illegal monopolistic organization where competition is undermined for the sake of making everyone involved more money) to fight a multi-tentacled attack on their customers. They sued Napster, a song-sharing program with a centralized database, and won. They sued Kazaa and other song sharing programs without centralized databases, and still won. They got William Jefferson Clinton to sign the DMCA, a draconian and blatantly anti-consumer piece of copyright legislation, which pretty much struck the concept of “Fair Use” from US law (unless you happen to be a library, which nobody is). They sued old ladies and little kids and college students under the DMCA (at $250,000 a song!), and got a bunch of settlements that served to scare file-sharers into purchasing music with money they didn’t have. Somehow, even after all this rampant suing, their customer base left and never returned. In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to pretend that anyone who downloads music without paying is a criminal. That may have engendered some resentment among the youth. But record execs are obviously smarter than me, so they probably know what would have happened if they just let Napster exist (or take it over), sell ads on it, create a legal site to download high-quality mp3’s (or, even better, develop your own compression scheme like Microsoft did), still sell CD’s to old people, and save ALL THOSE LEGAL COSTS. They’re right, that probably would have been a disaster.

Today, in 2010, we seem to be turning a corner on copyright. The Big Companies are winning, mainly by getting former employees installed in government positions. The DMCA has been unconstitutional for 12 years and isn’t going away. Fair use is pretty much a thing of the past. If I rip a CD to my computer, I can be prosecuted as if I were a shoplifter or black-market CD salesmen. The world has gone insane. I wonder: Why even have a constitution if we can’t stop the DMCA? Why even have a Congress if they’re going to listen to big business instead of their constituents all the time?

I’m being vague and bombastic here, I realize, but this isn’t an essay. It’s a blog post. I want to concentrate on the concept of fair use for a second, because it’s important. If we’re going to have copyright law, we need exceptions to that law. Copyright law is here to protect creativity; fair use is its necessary counterpart, and is there to protect innovation. Without fair use, there’s nothing to stop those that create content from controlling every instance and portion of that content to the fullest extent possible. That may not seem so bad until you realize exactly who we’re dealing with here. If networks/record companies/movie studios/ book distributors had their way, time-shifting would not be an option unless they deemed it ok — they would want to control the when, where, and how of your television-watching. Also, making a backup copy of a song you purchased would not be possible. If your hard drive crashed, you’d have to purchase the song again. If someone broke into your car and stole all your CD’s, you wouldn’t be able to make new ones from a backup. If a husband and wife liked the same CD and wanted to listen to it in different places at the same time, they would have to purchase a second copy. I promise you I’m not making this up. This is what these big companies are aiming for, and in some cases, they have already succeeded.

Which is why we need to come to a societal consensus on fair use. We can’t just strike it from our society because some people abuse it. This is art we’re talking about, and if we’re going to experience innovation in art, we’re going to have to protect consumer rights so that people will create new ways of delivering content. Would P2P technolgies like BitTorrent have been created and explored if not for indifference to copyright? Oh, wait. That’s right. We WERE creating and exploring BitTorrent, but then US ISP’s (already providing terrible service and bandwidth compared to the rest of the world) were strong-armed into “throttling” torrent bandwidth. Bye-bye, possible innovation. Hello, terrible data rates and complaining about net neutrality*.

By now you probably see why I’ve been hesitating to write anything on copyright. It’s a huge diamond of an issue with a crap-ton of facets. So let’s get back to fair use. On the one side of the spectrum, you have blatant copyright violations that everyone besides criminals would see as illegal — stuff like making a copy of a DVD and setting up a stand in front of Best Buy selling them for 5 bucks a pop. That’s obviously bad. On the other side, you have obviously private stuff that the government has no business making laws about — stuff like lending a DVD set to your cousin so he doesn’t have to purchase the whole thing, recording a tv program so you can watch it later, and backing up the music on your drive to an external drive or an iPod. In the middle somewhere is making a mix CD for a friend. There’s a legitimate debate as to where fair use ends. I don’t mean to suggest that copyright be abolished, just that other rights be seen as just as important. Keep your laws off my CD collection, Obama.

* Oddly enough, a chief complainer has been the usually innovation-minded Mark Cuban, who seems to think that net neutrality would tax US bandwidth to the point that it would affect the megabits-per-second of people who aren’t using their bandwidth to play internet games or download P2P files. If that is true, the solution is not punishing people for using the internet access they’ve paid for, it’s getting ISP’s to pay for infrastructure to alleviate any slowdowns. What the non-neutralists want is a tiered system where those who use more bandwidth would pay more. This would stifle any innovation that requires a constantly-working internet connection, because consumers wouldn’t want to pay for it. It would be a constant boondoggle. Net Neutrality forces ISPs to provide a fair product for a competitive price. Bandwidth isn’t a product; nor is it a commodity (though Enron tried to make it one). It’s just speed of access, that’s all. Paying more for speed makes sense. Paying for amount of data transfered does not. If we’re having trouble transferring data at the promised speeds, then those ISPs need to get some more switches and wires. This is 2010, for Pete’s sake. Let’s get some routers up in here.

I Don’t Like Loud Noises And Other Indications Of Oldness

February 24th, 2010 by epthnation in Music, Sports, Television, This Insane World | No Comments →

These Danes are happy.

I’m getting a little tired of having to have a point when I type these blog posts. I mean, I want to be understood as much as the next guy, but it’s just not worth all this stress of having to reason out arguments and make coherent points. Sometimes I just want to throw stuff out there and see if it sticks, ok? Having thus disclaimed my entire blog, let me now proceed to write stuff:

Figure skating is really bad, I think, for America. Those poor dudes and girls are all being forced to wear funny outfits and give up the prime of their recreational lives so that America’s female audience can be entertained. The men’s and ladies’ singles competitions strike me as especially odd for some reason. It’s basically a highly organized form of So You Think You Can Dance On Ice. The girls are all young and growth-stunted, like they’ve been smoking since birth. It’s all weird and sketchy. The guys just look uncomfortable, like they have to constantly convince themselves that ice skating is OK.

Also, and obviously, Ice Dancing is not a sport. It’s barely a competition. Are we really giving out Olympic medals to who dances the best? The ancient Athenians are rolling over in their graves.

The Olympics are just another in a long list of things that US women have ruined, a list which also includes the Lewis & Clark Expedition, elections, and our children. Of course, I’m kidding. It’s just that when I see figure skating it makes me really, really sexist. I can’t help it.

On a more serious note, I find this whole Disney obsession with princesses disturbing in all sorts of ways. I feel like I’m the only one noticing that these movies are totally corrupting our kids. It’s like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something. Children are, after all, our most valuable resource this side of soybeans and corn. Monsanto owns those things, and now Disney owns our children. What’s the deal with princesses anyway? To become a princess, you either have to be born one, or have a Prince marry you. Both of those things are totally random, but Disney is purposely pretending that they’re not. And in the real world there are no princes, which means Walt Disney might as well be making movies about unicorns. You can rest assured that if they did, little girls everywhere would be gluing toilet paper rolls to their heads. I regard this princess thing as equally strange.

Unrealistic expectations = death. Did you know that people from Denmark are on average the happiest in the world? Do you know why? Because they are content with what they have. They take their 2% unemployment and semi-comfortable life and are content with it. Maybe Walt Disney should start making movies about that, instead of trying to turn our children against us with toys and false hopes. And don’t get me started on Barbie. Yeesh, that girl is insipid and unstoppable, like Speidi crossed with Hakeem Olajuwon.

You know what else? I don’t think there really was a secret chord that David played that pleased the Lord. So that famous song is based on a foundation of wrongness, is what I’m saying. I don’t really care for music, I guess. It’s pretty, but so are princesses. A cold and broken kind of pretty.

Also, I don’t like loud noises. Bah! I need some peace and quiet. Where are my ear plugs? There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by ear plugs.

Whew. That’s better. Sorry, it’s just that sometimes these things just build up in my heart like that magnetic force in the hatch on LOST, and I have to input the numbers and press the button to release them. If I don’t, the blast doors in my soul shut and weird-looking runes appear in my head. I can’t carry the metaphor any farther than that, so goodbye.

New Post At The Christian Manifesto

February 22nd, 2010 by epthnation in Sports, This Insane World | No Comments →

Like the Olympics? So do I. At least I think I do. I’m kind of conflicted about it.

http://www.thechristianmanifesto.com/index.php/2010/02/21/our-olympic-supermen-superwomen/

You Know What This Team Needs? John Salmons.

February 18th, 2010 by epthnation in Sports, This Insane World | No Comments →

The Missing Piece To A Championship For Sure

As I was watching the Houston Rockets build a 40-point lead on the Milwaukee Bucks last night, I was struck by a clear thought: This team is one player away from contending for a championship. The Bucks, I mean. Houston was just getting lucky last night (it took luck to be so open for all those threes). I got excited, because I knew the trade deadline is today, and the Bucks would surely be wheeling and dealing to bring a player here who could bring all their ill-fitting pieces together and turn them into a team that can compete with the Lakers, Magic, Cavs, and Nuggets. He would arrive, and everything John Hammond has done up until this point would suddenly make sense.

The player? John F-ing Salmons.

Take a look at these stats: 42% on field goals. 12.7 points per game. 6′6″ tall. A five-to-three assist-to-turnover ratio. The 38th best shooting guard in the entire NBA according to John Hollinger’s PER rating. Averages over one rebound every ten minutes of play. There’s only one word to describe John Salmons, and that word is stone-cold-fresh-chillin’.

Sure, the Bucks had to give up two expiring contracts to get him, but when you think about it, he’s totally worth it. Just the thought of Mr. Salmons standing there as the offense flows around him and jacking up a shot every time he gets the ball makes my basketball pants fly around the room with excitement. Finally, I understand why Hakim Warrick was signed in the first place. It wasn’t for the dunking and the cool beard. Hakim Warrick was here solely to bring us our saviour, John F-ing Salmons!

Watch out, all other teams. Milwaukee hereby serves notice that they are now members of the NBA Elite, and a perennial powerhouse to be reckoned with at the highest levels of professional basketball skill.

Now, if only they could trade some more expiring contracts for Royal Ivey, they’d be golden. Wait…what? Really? They got him, too? Somebody start planning the parade right now! Our Ivey-Salmons yin-yang backcourt will be unstoppable! You’d need an army to defend two players of that magnitude!

Rachel Maddow Needs a Dictionary

February 17th, 2010 by epthnation in Apologies, This Insane World | No Comments →

I don’t get into politics very often, but something I just found drew me in. I feel like I have to explain the definition of hypocrisy again, since it continues to be misapplied by just about everyone who uses it. Hypocrisy has become the new “literally,” having shifted from a word with a solid black-and-white definition to a cultural meme with no clear limitations as to its meaning. Case in point, Rachel Maddow, in this link from The Accursed Huffington Post that showed up unannounced on my iGoogle news feed. She “called out” (in Huffington Post-terms) the delightfully named Republican Representative Aaron “Culture” Schock for voting against a bill, then “turning around and” celebrating one of the bill’s pork provisions with his constituents later. The relevant quote:

“If you vote against the omnibus bill,” she said at the end of the exchange, “if you complain about the omnibus bill, if you tout your vote against the omnibus bill, it is hypocrisy to then go to your district and go to a ribbon cutting ceremony for something that is funded by the omnibus bill that you voted against.” (Rachel Maddow, quoted on MSNBC’s Meet The Press by The Huffington Post’s Sam Stein)

No, actually, it isn’t. At all. But I could see how you could think it was. What did “Culture” Schock complain about? The omnibus bill, not his personal pork-barrel project. If he had campaigned against that particular project, and then turned around and took credit for it, that would make him a true hypocrite. But he didn’t. He got his personal project into this bill he hated (but figured might pass), then celebrated his personal victory with the people he serves.

Is it hypocritical to vote against a bill when you like 5% of it? Of course not. Is it hypocritical to celebrate that 5% when it passes, especially when you had a hand in that 5%? Of double course not.

Now, if he originally campaigned as a “true conservative spending-cutter,” then we’re onto some hypocrisy. He’s probably, at the end of the day, a hypocrite. Most politicians are. But Rachel doesn’t mention that. She’s looking for an easy verbal clothesline, and uses the word “hypocrisy” in the middle of it to give it some zest. Looks like somebody needs to find a more nuanced vocabulary.

NBA All-Star Game Exclusive: Where to Eat in Dallas

February 11th, 2010 by epthnation in Apologies, Sports, This Insane World | No Comments →

The NBA All-Star Game is coming to Dallas-Fort Worth, and that means a lot of interlopers will be invading the area. Unlike the usual visitors, most of whom were driven there by a hurricane (not that there’s anything wrong with that), these NBA All-Star humans will want to eat out at restaurants. Even though I don’t live in Dallas anymore, I know a little about where to get some good food. A little.

This post was inspired by these restaurant suggestions from Dallas sports media members Gina Miller and Mark Stein, who are certainly entitled to their opinion. They might even understand you and your taste buds better, as a NBA All-Star person. But it’s alway good to get a second opinion, right?

Of their suggestions, the only three I’ve experienced firsthand are Miller’s Mi Cocina and Stein’s Snuffers and Fuel City. Gina Miller must like to drink, because there’s no other reason to go to Mi Cocina. Nothing wrong with throwing down some girlified cocktails, but be apprised that the food there isn’t that good, and there’s no free refills on soda. In 2010. In what is essentially a chain restaurant.

However, Snuffers is almost worth the trip to Dallas all by itself. If you go there, definitely get the cheese fries. Then absolutely get the fried pickles. Then, for the love of all that is holy, get a cheeseburger. The grease may kill you, but as you shuffle off you’ll be saying “great googly moogly” in a good way.

Fuel city is a gas station, but I implore you to let go of your racist attitudes towards gas station food while you’re visiting the land of Pointless Bigness and Wanna-Be LA-ism. Seriously, Fuel City has the best tacos I’ve ever eaten. Go there for the food, stay for the longhorn cattle.

It would probably be best to completely forget that Italian and Asian food exist while you’re in the DFW metroplex. I ate at a chinese buffet in Grafton, WI (pop. <15,000) on Monday that was better than any I experienced while in Dallas. There are some nice local italian places, but nothing that will knock your socks off. You’ll be in Dallas, what – three days? Trust me, you’ll want to stick to steakhouses, grills, and Mexican food places of all kinds. You won’t get steaks or enchiladas like this when you’re back in Cleveland, so take advantage of them now.

With that in mind, if you want the Mexican, I can show you the Mexican. The first place you’ll need to go is Joe T. Garcia’s in Fort Worth. I know it’s all the way in Fort Worth, but once you get there, you’ll discover two absolute truths: 1) Fort Worth is way way cooler than Dallas; 2) Joe T. Garcia’s is a great restaurant. Unless you go there on Sunday morning for the Brunch, Joe T’s offers exactly two dishes: enchiladas or a “family dinner.” It doesn’t matter which one you pick, but pick the enchiladas. Then order a Negro Modelo and lie back and experience the coolest meal you’ve had in a while. But be sure and bring cash, because they don’t take anything else.

If you’ve heard all these great things about Fort Worth and still don’t want to drive there, then grab a consolation prize at Tupinamba’s, especially if you’re looking for something to eat on Sunday at about noon. They have an amazing buffet for Sunday brunch, if you like food.

If you’re looking for a little adventure, head on over to the Chevron station at Park and Greenville in Dallas and order a Pastor Zinchronisaida. No, that’s not some obscure Mexican religious leader — it’s the most awesome quesadilla you’ve ever had the pleasure of putting in your face. Seriously. This guy agrees.

As for the rest of the food there, it’s all pretty much the same. I’ve heard good things about Bob’s Steak and Chop House, but at the end of the day a steak is just a steak. If you’re a foodie, then go where They tell you to go. I’ve given you three restaurants and two gas stations, what more do you want? You’ll probably be wanting to go to Ghostbar or Douche or Plarb or any of the other places where you can get table service and gawk at NBA stars. This is not my fault. Say hi to the Deathstar for me.

Randumb

February 5th, 2010 by epthnation in Apologies, Jesus, Music | No Comments →

Randumb (fake noun): A collection of disjointed links, thoughts, observations, until I get tired of typing this…

I’ve been listening to the new Waterdeep record, “In the Middle of It.” I don’t know if it’s really an exciting new leap for them or a disappointing new leap for them, both, or neither. Here’s the deal: Waterdeep is partially responsible for the greatest worship CD of all time (Enter the Worship Circle) and wholly responsible for the greatest Christian song of all time (18 Bullet Holes), so my expectations for them are extremely high. I’m really not a person who gets all bent out of shape when Christian artists of any sort make things that are not specifically for the Christian subculture — in fact, I generally hate stuff that’s marketed at Christians, and the concept of Christian marketing in general — but it’s a little weird to hear Waterdeep play a hyper-produced record filled solely with songs about people who are dealing with life. It’s a little weirder to hear them play songs that aren’t necessarily redemptive in nature. It’s like a switch was flipped and they got all cynical and angry. That’s not a bad thing, but like I said, it’s just weird.

I figure it’s a by-product of their move to Nashville to become record producers. The music on In the Middle of It sounds like a production demo reel, which actually makes it a lot more fun to listen to than it would be if they had gone for the same sound as their past records. Lori’s voice, which has always seemed like an acquired taste, is awesome here, mostly due to production. They cover so many music genres that it’s obviously meant to say, “See? We can produce any kind of record you want to make!” Well, mission accomplished. The music is fantastic across the board.

The lyrics, like I said, are another matter. Gone is the redemption and the God who cares and searches; In their place are songs about people who are making bad choices and aren’t able to deal with their emotions. There are some good lines, but the aversion to redemption makes most of the album kind of disposable. I just expect to have my block knocked off by Waterdeep, and In the Middle of It didn’t even attempt to slap me in the face. It’s like they wanted to dig deeper into people’s hearts, and ended up stopping right before the good part. Not that it’s a bad album. It’s just weird. Here’s a lala sample:

Happen Every Time – Waterdeep

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I’ve got another column up on thechristianmanifesto.com. It’s about American Idol. Please view it here:

http://www.thechristianmanifesto.com/index.php/2010/02/05/culture-blog-4-gokey/

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If these moderately attractive people are so discouraged with the current economy that they’re giving up the job hunt, what hope do I, an ugly duckling, have? We are at the worst possible economic situation right now: Employers have all the power, and employees either have to put up with terrible conditions or be let go. Nobody wants to be jobless in this market right now. It’s not fun.

In related news, I got a job at Dominos two weeks ago. I didn’t tell you because I…was busy doing other things. But suffice to say I enjoy the job very much, and it’s way more profitable than it should be. For now, I am being blessed at a quantum rate — decent enough job that I don’t hate, living in a great area with great people who haven’t decided to kick me out yet, getting the opportunity to write every day, my car still works, my clothes still fit, and soon I’ll be training for a marathon.

In also related news, Don Miller says I should be positive so I can manipulate somebody into loving me. He’s seriously morphing into Joel Osteen. And yes, my sarcastic tone in this paragraph does mean I’m a big fat jerk. A big fat idealistic jerk. Sorry.

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Back to jobs. Obama was right when he said that Americans have a crisis of faith in their government right now. I mean, I totally do. It’s not going to get any better if they set out to prove (once again) that they have no idea how to create jobs in our current economy. I’m convinced that small businesses, long-term thinking, encouraging innovation, and regulating the crap out of banks are the keys. I don’t know what this makes me politically, so please stop trying to put me in your political box, man.

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I’m done.

Found This While Grimly Browsing Desriptions Of Christian Fiction Books

February 3rd, 2010 by epthnation in Jesus, Stories, This Insane World | No Comments →

“Join bestselling author M. L. Tyndall for another seafaring historical full of romance, intrigue, action, and adventure. Grace Westcott has piously served God her whole life. Captain Rafe Dubois cannot pass up the opportunity to earn more gold toward the hospital he’s building for the poor by kidnapping Admiral Westcott’s youngest daughter. But when the missionary and the mercenary meet, it’s full-sail-ahead into tumultuous waters. Find out what happens when a bitter mercenary who’s sworn off God falls in love with a pious woman determined to change him.”

I’m just going to leave that where it is, without any editorial comments. Sounds super. (Ok, one.)

LOST in the Cat Box

February 3rd, 2010 by epthnation in Television | 4 Comments →

This helpful picture totally explains last night's LOST

So, it’s quantum physics-esque “alternate realities,” eh? That’s what it’s come to? In some ways, I’m glad LOST is ending this year; there’s no telling what we’d get if those poor characters hung around for a seventh season. Full-blown multiverses? Flashes forward and back at the same time? The mind boggles.

In all seriousness, though, I kid LOST because I love it so much. There’s no other show as ambitious and crazy, and both those adjectives were in full force in the season six premiere last night. You had the alternate universes, the devil (?) continuing to present himself as a dead guy, a whole new group of “Others” that we hadn’t seen before, Hurley seeing dead people, Miles talking to different dead people, and people coming back from the dead and talking. Dead is dead? Hmm…

I like how the show keeps coming back to core phrases that force the viewer to take a stand one way or the other — “dead is dead,” “you can’t change the future,” “live together, die alone,” “nothing is irreversible,” “you have a choice,” etc. It gives LOST a framework on which to hang all the craziness. Yes, Juliet died, but is dead really dead? And where is she in the alternate timeline? Why did old dirty dead Jacob tell Hurley to take the great Sayid to the temple, and not Juliet? Is Jacob God, and the smoke monster the devil? Where is the smoke monster’s home, exactly? And if Jacob was, you know, a dude who could die, then can the smoke monster be killed?

But those are questions that nobody can answer right now. So it goes with LOST. My main problem with last night’s extravaganza, other than letting Juliet live for exactly one scene before killing her again, is that they’re cramming two separate timelines into one already-crowded show. We’ve got sixteen more episodes to go, and now we have to deal with non-island versions of Kate and Jack and Locke and Boone and even Arzt and Frogurt (but not Shannon, or any tail section people — yet). Sure, it was great to be reminded of what an inappropriately smiling buffoon Sawyer was when the plane crashed, but what purpose does it serve? I trust the writers have a plan here, but what if it’s a bad one?

But enough nitpicking about things I don’t yet understand. Here were the things I liked, in the order they come to my mind:

Desmond showing up on the plane, then disappearing. Gave me hope for the two timelines being merged back into one show, and that this might have been Jacob’s plan all along. Also, I love Desmond. “See you in another life, brotha” indeeed.
In general, I liked the more confident/less shaken versions of the former characters. Even Charlie seemed to know what his purpose was, even if that purpose was dying.
Speaking of Charlie, I’ve got a (probably wrong) possible theory: Just like Juliet seemed to grasp the fact that the bomb created an alternate timeline as she was dying, Charlie may have seen the first timeline when he “died” in the plane bathroom. Perhaps that’s why he was staring holes through Jack as he left the plane — he knows Jack was responsible for the bomb, and therefore this whole new timeline. When Chaz said, “I should have died” or whatever, he may have meant drowning in that underwater Dharma station. Just throwin’ it out there.
Sayid, as always, is awesome. I like his way of making friends — offering to help by kicking in doors. It’ll be interesting to see what exactly has changed about Mr. Sayid since his literal temporary death. Is he now Jacob? Unlikely, though he may have seen Jacob or something when he died. Did the smoke monster take him over a la Locke? Even less likely, due to the absence of a body, and there being no evidence that Smokey can appear as different people in different locations. Did he just flat-out rise from the dead? Well, he was dead, and now he’s not. Perhaps he also got a glimpse of the whole story while he was dying or deceased. I’m just glad he’s still around.
The Jacob-Hurley conversation? Awesome, and confirmed that Hurley does indeed see dead people. Perhaps we should have seen this coming — Jacob told him as much in last season’s finale. Nice callback, LOST.
Kind of sad to see old jerky Jin again, telling Sun to button up her shirt and trying to sneak thousands of dollars past customs. Sun’s dad is not going to be pleased. So, does alternate-Sun still know English? I like how they left that question open for interpretation. I bet she does.
Liked both Jacks more than I’ve ever liked Jack before — suffering confused Jack on the island, and old confident Jack the Fixer on the plane. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m rooting for island Jack to get some redemption. He hasn’t had a good day since season four.
Well, they certainly put a fine point on the pathetic nature of the original Locke, didn’t they? I like how he remains the spiritual heart of the both timelines, even though he’s dead and being impersonated in one of them.
The Locke Becomes a Monster scene was probably the best one last night. It confirmed what we thought we knew (namely, smoke monster=NotLocke=Jack’s dad=other people who died on the island), but also brought up a bunch of questions. I’d like to see a Smoke Monster backstory built — was he confined to the cabin for a while? Why did he chase the 815 survivors, starting in the pilot episode? Why did he kill those he killed, like Mr. Eko? Why was he referred to as “the island’s security system”?
Ben better come up with a plan, and quick. I hope he does, because Ben outsmarting the fake Locke would be an incredible plot twist.
Kate’s cute, but I kinda wish she hadn’t commandeered a cab at gunpoint. I’d like to think she learned her lesson, even if it was in another reality. At least Claire was in the cab, though. I liked how (just like Sun and English) they didn’t tell us whether or not she was pregnant.
Finally, it was a nice contrast we saw between Hippie Others “It’s OK to Kill People” Cindy and Stewardess Cindy. Good to have her back, and to get a plausible explanation as to where she was the last three years. I wonder if Stewardess Cindy is still dating Gary Troup.

So, there you go. I still don’t know what to think of all this, but I kinda like it.